We’re heading into a week or so of reheated and reimagined past posts. As written here time and again, I could and would never transition. Please understand. I would NEVER consider what I am about to say, but I would do away with myself if I could not live on without transitioning. That is ME, not you, not anyone else. It cannot and will not happen. That said, I am dedicated now more so than ever, to live as a woman in whatever fashion I am able, in whatever way I can without upsetting the apple cart. My wonderful human being of a wife does not deserve my shit. The absolute joy I feel when Kandi or Kandi-lite is indescribable.
Any window of opportunity, any morning in a pair of leggings, full breasts, necklace, I am doing. Any way to get dressed and go about doing what I would have done otherwise, I am all about. After 50+ years of struggle, a decade plus of doing what you have seen here, it’s time to move on to the next stage of my life. Reality is that at 64 (as of today), grandma cannot pull off a bikini much longer. My face looks like someone took a sander to it, years of not giving a rat’s ass about the organ that is my skin. My nose is gigantic, my chin a shitshow. The days of amazingness that I have posted about over the past years or so will come to an end. When? It’s closer than not, that’s for sure. How do I create happiness for me and those I love?
Every spare minute of every day, I think about how I can feminize myself. It may be small, it may be all-in. It may well be creating the best version of myself, it may be presenting as me at heart, damn the torpedoes. I came off 72 hours living the life (with exceptions) I crave. Then life sent me in an all-male direction for a few days. The reaction I get, time after time, in thousands of situations, is intoxicating. It is love squared.
Over the recent past, friends continue to fade away. A few well known here (whom I adore, know, met, hugged) have not been heard from or have pushed me away (more likely I have perceived things that may or may not have happened). This gender-challenged world of ours is complicated and layered and joyful and tragic. You hear from someone on occasion, and then at some time you realize that so and so hasn’t commented, hasn’t reach out or has decided she doesn’t value your friendship. All of this is life. All of this sucks and at the same time, is amazing. To have these friends, but to be limited by time, resources, priorities, circumstances, whatever, it’s frustrating. Time for me to focus on what is THE most important. My happiness, my family, my beloved readers and what happens after that, happens.
All that said, I am also growing quite weary of all things social media as it relates to Kandi. I have a Flickr and Facebook page, both for the express purpose of driving traffic to the blog. And this place, Kandi’s Land, is wearing me down. Trying to be everything to everyone is becoming a burden. I have enough trouble maintaining friendships that I have had for my entire life and the Kandi-side of me is a contributor to that. As I write this, I am very close to shutting it all down. Yes, be who I am, but do so without anyone knowing except those that see me in the real world. My volunteerism fills me with purpose. But what made me happy no longer does anymore. I find myself annoyed by things that would not even ruffle the feathers of my alter ego. I am not there yet but shutting it all down is in the cards. I would not shut Kandi down (not possible anymore) but maybe shut down the online version of myself. I am really close. This was written last week, after two nine-hour drives with nothing to do but think (and drive) so we’ll see. Losing friends and disappointments by friends are not worth pain they cause. I understand that having had those friends beings joy and fellowship. I should probably just revel in anonymity and on my own terms. Maybe the nine-year blogiversary should be the day? I have had these feelings and then I see that readership is down, no one is helping by clicking through to Amazon. Not a bad idea…we’ll see.
The blog is my journal, forgive the Brain Dump. If it crosses my mind, you read it here. Honest? Yes. Interesting, probably not to anyone other than me.
Okay, shut up girl, we all have problems. Since I last punched in, we’ve done some things. We’ll see that and talk soon. Next week.
Today is my birthday creating another reason for introspection. I am not pandering for any birthday wishes and I will not acknowledge them, but the end is near whether it is a day, week, month or a decade or so plus. It is close and I need to be happy, if I even understand what that means.
9 Responses
It’s a strange life we lead isn’t it? I just did a quick calculation and these days, I can only be the physical manifestation of ‘Amanda’ for less than 0.25% of the time. Or to put it another way, for 99.75% of the time, she doesn’t exist in a physical sense and I’m living my life as him. And yet here, I’m her 100% of the time but close my email and stop commenting here and I’ve ceased to exist to all intents and purposes. In fact, I did just that back in January 2023 when the proverbial hit the fan with Mrs A.
When I read your fourth paragraph, I immediately knew at least some of those you were talking about and in fact one, with whom I have exchanged regular emails with, once shared her upset that a friend had suddenly cut off contact with her without giving any explanation. Because I know her male identity, I’ve even googled to see whether there are any online obituaries for her; fortunately there aren’t, at least for now. But the sad fact is that sudden disappearance goes with the territory, whether through death, wives finding out or just personal circumstances. We can only hope that, whatever the reason, they will lead a happy life.
This is the point where I’m supposed to say ‘nooooooo, you can’t kill Kandi’s Land’ but the truth is that if that’s what you need to do to live a more fulfilled life, then it’s a no brainer. I’ve done something similar in my male life – people still ask why I stopped and the answer was simple – what was once fun to do had started to make me ill and I could see that my life would be better without it.
You’ve been through a lot in life and I have a huge amount of admiration for the way you faced up to things without a shred of self-pity and that shines through in every single one of your posts here. Would I be devastated if Kandi’s Land faded into the sunset? Absolutely. But I would completely understand and feel unending gratitude for the inspiration that you and the other contributors here have given me – not to mention the gift that keeps on giving – the ‘Open Letter’ which was both responsible for me being here in the first place and, just over a year later, for saving my marriage. You deserve immortality for that alone!
Kandi,
Sorry to begin with a solemn start but being transgender sometimes has twists and turns we don’t expect . Would I have ever thought I would consider ending my life but in a desperate moment I nearly drove myself under a dumper truck ! Those seconds could have been my entire life ending but in that moment in time my brain shouted at me to not consider my own life and family but the driver of the truck and his family . The consolation for me surviving that moment was it wasn’t premeditated and I vowed I would never go down thsi road again . MY LIFE was far more precious to me than that , it meant from this moment I would only live with the truth , the pretence had to end even if it meant sacrifices for others .
You know without doubt Kandi is part of your life , you enjoy sharing her with the World , she gives you pleasure beyond description . I’m ten years older , I’m sure you can imagine how much soul searching I’ve done about sustaining Teresa in the future . BUT we must learn to live in the present amd enjoy everyday as it comes , we can’t predict the future so why worry about things that may never happen ( I admit I’m the World’s worse for that !!) . If it means a slow down or excluding things from your life then so be it only you know how much you may miss those things and how big a hole they will leave in your life .
One serious question , if anything were to happen to your wife ( god forbid ) how much would it affect Kandi , would she be your saviour or would she quietly fade away ?
We all sometimes take stock and consider what changes we could or should make in our lives , we reach an age where people have been a large part of our lives and suddenly for unexplained reason they are gone . We do a little soul searching to consider if we are at fault but people change , they have their own lives and problems , they may miss you as much as you miss them but sadly they are gone .
On a brighter note HAPPY BIRTHDAY , get your party dress on and have a few drinks on us , I’ll raise my glass to you !!
Kandi Girl,
This is Marie, I am a quite a few years ahead of you on the chronological train however learned a long time back that it is not good to count life by chronological years. Pick a number 20-30-40 years mentally younger than that physical number and your life in the environment with all the happiness, joy, fun and style you can envision. Be alive today and think of the unexplored future. Take what you have learned from those adventures and polish it to a high luster and be proud of it.
Marie
Good Monday Morning Kandi,
As I have mentioned before, I have read your blog since day one; every post taken in, pondered, enjoyed. Many have provided such good food for thought or uplifting good cheer. Your many, many doings, adventures, and fabulous outings are inspiring and energizing for me and for so many others.
I hear you, I really do get what you are saying in this searching post. I will add that as the years have rolled along for me many of the people who were once friends, some very good friends, have simply drifted away; no one’s fault, just inertia mostly. That people don’t always (or ever!) act the way we wish they did is something that adults need to deal with, to get used to, like it or not. You and I know this as it is a lesson that life smacks us with repeatedly. Still, it is discouraging and induces a feeling of loneliness. People…….ugh.
Then there are those who are always by your side! Be glad for them and be glad for the experiences you have with them. People like them? Yes!!
As far as ‘Kandi’s Land’ is concerned, I think that you should simply scale it waaaaay back. Keep the blog but only post, say, once a week. Keep the blog, and do it with your much loved enthusiasm and good cheer, but with much, much less time, energy, and expense. I think that everyone would be delighted to see you enjoying your life more but still keeping the world apprized of your thoughts and activities.
Birthdays don’t mean anything to me any more. It’s just a day. I was a career long teacher, and I used to have students who would announce to the class “Today is Mary’s birthday, it’s her special day!” to which I would sometimes point out that it was also the birthday of millions of other people. The students then usually gave me an irritated look.
Life! Even with all such things, we roll on.
Onward!
Have a good Monday here in hot steamy Ohio.
Best to you,
Marissa in Ohio
I’m right there in that “can’t transition but can’t not be her” space too. Every breath feels like a compromise, and yet somehow we keep finding these little moments that make it all worth it. I see so much of myself in your words—the joy, the ache, the exhaustion, all of it. Just know that even if some friends fade, some of us are still here. Still reading. Still rooting for you. And still so damn grateful you share this journey at all. 💜
And I can’t not acknowledge a friend’s birthday. Happy birthday, love!
Hi Kandi,
I suggest not doing a daily blog and just writing and posting when something stimulates you. I think daily bloggers become slaves to their blog with it running them instead of the other way around. When I started my website / blog I avoided that trap and post at will after something motivates me.
Kandi, I have said this before, but it is worth repeating. I have met some really interesting and wonderful people in my life. Im 76 and first went out enfemme and met others like me in 1978. We all have different situations. But when we talk to others in our community there is an instant bond.
I dream of meeting you again in the future. I want to visit Cleveland and see you and the Rock and Roll hall of fame.
I will say it again I am so glad I met you.
Yours Terri
Kandi, I have to agree with the above comments, take a step (or two) back and post only when you want. There is no need to keep the blog daily. As your life circumstances are changing, your approach to that life is likely to change too. Being Kandi is what gives you that joy, and you deserve to be happy without feeling any obligation to anyone else (other than your family).
As I am a few years younger than you, but still on the downside of aging, I absolutely see the looming issue of what to do when I can no longer present as Tina. Like Amanda, I spend extremely little time overall in full feminine appearance. But I am still that person, even when months go by without dressing. So I will continue to take advantage of any and all opportunities, however limited they are.
Happy birthday to a great friend, whose stories convinced me that I could take that first step out my door into the world. I raise my glass to you in love and support. ❤️
It needs to be said, that being “transgender” isn’t a choice, but “transitioning” is. One can be transgender and NOT transition for any number of logistical reasons. That said, your “gender euphoria” is real and that’s why one is stedfast to be their “authentic self.” Being the “authentic you”, being aligned, is the craving and the goal.
I am transgender but because of logistical reasons am not transitioning. So all one can do in that sphere is try to be as authentic as you can be as much as possible. And hey, every now and then Christina puts on her “man costume” to take care of business and then take off that costume when things are done.
Kandi, continue to be you and cherish it. Don’t allow your blog to be a burden. Cherish your time to be you.
-Christina