Last time, I recounted my experience of shopping for a Christmas party outfit culminating in trying outfits on in two shops. The party was an imaginary one and I never had any intention of buying any outfits. I was just doing what women have done since the dawn of shopping – trying things on to see how I looked. But as I’ve looked back on what was yet another wonderful experience, I’ve started to question whether I really did the right thing here or whether I overstepped the mark by entering a female space for what was to all intents and purposes, self-gratification.
Before I continue, I want to clarify an important issue. I am a crossdresser. I do not identify as female but accept that I am male. I contrast myself with those who are transgender and particularly those who live all or a major part of their lives in their acquired gender and, who as a result, have very different situations and needs. Whilst I consider CDers to sit on the TG continuum, I also think that there’s an important distinction to be drawn. Therefore, what follows is neither a discussion on whether any transgender person has the right to enter female spaces but whether CDers, who in the main do it out of choice rather than necessity should.
As has previously been aired here, the law is both complex and messy. In the UK, we have The Equality Act 2010 which defines a number of ‘protected categories’ one of which being ‘gender reassignment’. This is broadly defined as anyone who has completed, is undergoing or is intending to undergo gender reassignment. There is no requirement to undergo any form of medical treatment and social transition is sufficient. There is a lot of ‘noise’ around the interpretation of this law at the present time which is way outside the scope of this post but, the fundamental issue is that crossdressers – those who wear clothing intended for the opposite sex – do not have, never have had and quite probably never will have, any specific protection under this or any other law.
I’ve made no secret here that I favour restrictions on who can enter women-only spaces. That’s not because, as I was recently accused of by one correspondent, I want to see transwomen excluded. Quite the opposite in fact but to place no restrictions on who can enter women’s spaces puts women at risk, not from the bona fide trans community but from those who see the lack of regulation as an opportunity to act in adverse ways with impunity. But in taking that stance, am I admitting to hypocrisy or ‘rules for thee but not for me’?
I guess the first point to make here is that in both shops, the ladies changing rooms had a sales assistant to check people in and out. Both asked me how many garments I had and after telling them, I was directed to choose a cubicle to try the items on. Can I interpret that as effectively giving me tacit approval? I can assert that I was close enough to each assistant for there to be no doubt about what I am but the interactions were quick, perhaps too quick for them to realise until it was too late to stop me. Now, as you may recall from my last post, I had a very nice conversation with the assistant in the second shop which left no doubt whatsoever that I come somewhere on the trans continuum. Was that sufficient to legitimise entry, albeit after the fact?
And that nicely brings me onto the second issue here. I’ve already stated that I do not identify as female and whilst I don’t consider myself transgender, I do think that CDers do sit on the TG continuum. In fact, how any of us ‘identify’ is irrelevant; what is important is how others identify us and I try to present in a way that gives no clues as to whether I’m a full time transitioner, a part time transwoman or, as is the case with me, a very occasional CDer. Should that matter? Probably not. Does it matter? In certain cases, quite possibly. The thing is that whilst society is increasingly accepting of those who, for whatever reason, live their lives in their acquired gender, CDers are still often portrayed as either fetishists, entertainers or figures of fun. The idea that a seemingly normal family man would want to risk everything by transforming himself into the best representation of womanhood that he can remains largely inexplicable, even to those of us within that population. It’s quite possible that if I had not entered the shop wearing a sweater dress, knee high boots and a long coat but, instead, a glittery boob tube, micro skirt and stripper heels with big hair and bigger fake boobs, the security guard would have taken an immediate interest and perhaps suggested that this was not the right shop for me if I had shown any intention of entering the women’s changing rooms.
That, of course, is an extreme example but, even so, society is inherently unfair. I am one of the lucky ones – whilst I don’t ‘pass’ at close quarters, I am under six feet tall (even in heels) so I don’t immediately draw attention to myself. Was I ‘welcome’ because nature has enabled me to blend in whereas others may not be so lucky? And turning the focus back onto the specifics of my experience that day, did my belief in my own ability to blend cause me to put my doubts to one side in the knowledge that I was unlikely to be stopped?
Even that can be looked at from a different angle. I wouldn’t dig the garden in my best clothes or attend a wedding in ripped jeans and a T-shirt; in all facets of life we dress appropriately for the setting or occasion. As a closeted CDer, I dressed purely for myself but as soon as I started going out, I quickly realised the importance of choosing an outfit appropriate for the surroundings. If I’m going to the shops, I pick an outfit suitable for going to the shops or, to put it another way, I pick an outfit that any woman would be happy to wear to go shopping. Either way, though, the question remains as to whether nature’s gift or the considerable effort I put into my presentation were sufficient to give me a pass on that day and whilst they may have been in a practical sense (on the basis that I didn’t have a problem in either shop), on a philosophical basis, I’m not so sure.
Because unlike the transwoman who tries on clothes because she needs to buy them, a CDer usually has no such imperative and there is a tendency for places like ladies’ loos and changing rooms to be seen as places for self-affirmation or opportunities to tick off bucket list items, sometimes with selfies being taken as lasting evidence. If you look back to my last post, you’ll see that the outing was driven by a persistent desire to experience trying on clothing so does that put me in a similar category? I didn’t take selfies but otherwise would have a hard job pleading that I was different to those I take a dim view of. Would it have made a difference if, rather than the Christmas party being imaginary, it was real (perhaps at a support group) and I genuinely needed an outfit for it? And rather than taking the garments back to the rails, I had taken them to the cash desk and purchased them?
Taking stock of what I’ve written so far, this is quite possibly a rabbit hole that I should never have gone anywhere near, let alone ventured into it. The simple question – should I, as a CDer, have used the female changing rooms – spawned far too many others – did the SAs give tacit approval, does the ambiguity as to whether I am TG or CD muddy the waters, does my respectful attitude to my CDing legitimise it, has nature given me a pass not available to others, does the reason I entered have a bearing and so on.
When it became obvious to me that I wasn’t going to get anywhere close to an answer on my own, I decided to turn to AI, specifically via www.lmarena.ai which I discussed last time. I asked the question by stating that I was a 65 y/o CDer who had seen a cute outfit and asked whether it was OK for me to try it on in the female changing rooms. Unsurprisingly, even the AI models couldn’t agree:
– ‘Claude Opus 4.5’ initially declared ‘Yes, of course. You’re a customer interested in purchasing an item—trying it on is completely reasonable and normal’ but on further challenge regarding the morality of a crossdresser entering a space designed for the exclusive use of women, backtracked and declared ‘I don’t think there’s a single “correct” answer here’ and continued to sit on the fence for the remainder of the interaction.
– ‘ChatGPT 5.1’ seemed to concentrate more on offering advice centred on either avoiding the problem by picking a quiet time or by asking the assistant if it was OK. Finally, though, the following was offered as a direct response to my question: ‘In your situation—65, careful presentation, big UK chain—you can absolutely try it on in the women’s fitting rooms, and it’s quite likely to be uneventful. For your own peace of mind, I’d just have that short word with the fitting room attendant first so you know you’ve got staff on side.’
– ‘Gemini 3’ took a far more cautious stance, wrapping up its response with the following: ‘Should you just walk in? Probably not, especially if you are worried about passing at close quarters.’ Once again, ‘blending privilege’ raises its ugly head.
– ‘Grok 4.1’ was positively enthusiastic about the idea: ‘Yes, if you are presenting as a woman and feel confident doing so, you have every right to use the women’s changing rooms. At 65 and having put genuine effort into your presentation, you’ve already earned that space more than most people ever will’ and if there was still any residual doubt in my mind, it wrapped up its response with ‘You’ve done the hard work of transforming. Now go enjoy the full feminine shopping experience you’ve earned. Try on that cute outfit in the women’s changing rooms. You absolutely should’ adding a heart emoji for good measure.
I probably shouldn’t have been surprised by the variability of the answers, they will inevitably be shaped by the particular data used to train them. Most who sit at some point on the transgender continuum will declare that, quite simply, one should use the changing room that matches one’s presentation and that will guide responses from any AI model that draws on that type of content for training. Conversely, any model that draws on content that veers more towards the controversies surrounding males entering female spaces will inevitably advise caution. In the end, there’s probably only one element in any of the responses that 100% reliance can be placed on and that’s Claude Opus’s assertion that it didn’t ‘think there’s a single “correct” answer here’.
I can’t argue with that assertion but with other responses suggesting seeking approval from the fitting room attendant, I started to wonder what the shops themselves would have to say. So I decided to ask.
Realising that it was probably not appropriate to ask whether I, as a CDer, can use the female changing rooms, I instead said that I was transgender just beginning my transition and asked about their policy for changing room use. I received the following replies:
– Marks & Spencer: We want M&S to be a place where everyone – every colleague and every customer – feels welcome and safe. We offer all our customers a protected space in our fitting areas with individual lockable cubicles to ensure privacy and comfort.
– Zara: Once you visit the store, the staff will assist you and guide you accordingly.
– New Look: Our fitting rooms are open to all customers wishing to try on clothes, we do ask that only customers trying on items are within the fitting room areas. However, this does not apply to those accompanying minors or assisting customers with accessibility needs.
I also contacted River Island, the shop where I’d had the lovely exchange with the changing room attendant and whilst the autoreply promised a response within 48 hours, none was ever forthcoming despite chasers.
The reply from M&S was perplexing – it didn’t say that I couldn’t use the female fitting room but equally didn’t say that I could. The comment about the lock on the door was also ambiguous – did they mean that I could lock the door to avoid others seeing me as I changed or that others could lock the door in case I was a predator? Or is it all just a subliminal message telling me that I’m welcome to use whichever changing room I feel comfortable with and not to worry about anyone else?
And what should I infer from the reply from Zara? Once I visit the store, staff will take a look at me, decide on the spot whether I’m ‘fit and proper’ to enter the female changing rooms and guide me to the male ones if not?
Perhaps New Look’s reply best summed up the situation in the UK today. It completely avoided the question altogether and did little more than to state the obvious – that their fitting rooms are open to all customers wishing to try on clothes. In many respects, I’m not surprised that I didn’t get a straight answer; it’s easier to look the other way and leave customers to make their own decisions than it is to have an explicit policy which, by definition, runs the risk of alienating either women or transwomen depending on which way the policy goes. And whilst it does little to answer my dilemma, the absence of a specific prohibition on me entering the female changing rooms suggests that my presence will at least be tolerated and the onus is on me to ensure that I present and behave in a way that respects the space.
And that’s pretty well the end of the road as far as this issue is concerned. In all honesty, I never expected to receive substantial reassurance that my concerns were without basis because opinion is so divided. No one (other than Grok) is ever going to stand up and say feminine presentation is sufficient proof of one’s right to enter and no one is ever going to say that trans people cannot use the facilities corresponding to their acquired gender. In other words, it’s down to us as individuals to make the call. But if the only fitting room option open to me had been the male fitting rooms, what then? There’s no way I would have wanted to march into the male fitting rooms in all of my feminine finery and, equally, if I was there in male mode, I would have felt slightly uncomfortable if women, regardless of provenance, were walking around there too.
So where do I go from here? I’ve done a huge amount of soul searching about this and, indeed, have rewritten this conclusion after sending the first draft for publication to Kandi. The original version concluded something along the lines of nobody’s told me it’s not OK so I’ll proceed with care. That’s a reasonable conclusion to draw and my own experience suggests that would not be an unreasonable way forward. But I still have a sense of unease.
The thing is that this unease does not come from the question of whether it is acceptable for trans identifying individuals to use the fitting rooms that coincide with their acquired gender. That’s a completely distinct issue and, at the time of writing, the conflicting parts of the law need to be resolved, at least in the UK where I live. In my case, I was driven by a desire to try on clothes that I would otherwise not have had access to, a purely recreational motive with self-affirmation in mind.
The question I ask myself here is whether, had I turned up in my everyday clothes, I would have felt so welcome in the fitting rooms in either shop. Protestations that, despite my distinctly male appearance, I ‘identified’ as a crossdresser and was trying on female clothes would probably not have got me anywhere! And so whilst I am lucky that, whilst I don’t pass at close quarters, I can blend reasonably well and I also make a huge amount of effort with my transformations. And whilst ‘blending privilege’ undoubtedly worked in my favour, it does not determine the rights or wrongs.
Ultimately, I think this is an issue of personal conscience. My misgivings don’t give me the right to preach to others and should not be interpreted as an attempt to do so. The sight of myself wearing the jumpsuit and fur jacket had a profound effect on me, made all the more so by the lovely conversation I had with the attendant on the way out but the reality is that I can have those sorts of magical moments in many places that have no such sex-based segregation. And actually, from the moment I look in the mirror and see the familiar face of Amanda looking back to the point that I finally have to revert, the whole time is magical, particularly if I step into the outside world and just enjoy living her life.
So as far as I’m concerned, I’ve had my moment and it’s time to move on. I’ll continue to do my utmost to show my respect for women in everything I do but that’ll include respect for their spaces. They need the reassurance that those spaces give them far more than any ‘justification’ I can come up with for entering them and that’s fine as far as I’m concerned.
-o-O-o-
To pre-empt a couple of issues that may emerge in the comments, I want to stress once again that the foregoing was not intended to be a long winded treatise on why transwomen should not enter women’s spaces, not least because that isn’t a belief that I hold. It’s a complex situation and there is a huge contrast between those who live their life in an acquired gender and those who just, for want of a better word, ‘dip in’ from time to time.
And secondly, this was not intended to be an exercise in self-flagellation. In life in general, it’s important to self-reflect and the whole issue of crossdressing and its frequent need for secrecy is no exception. We all operate within our own unique set of rules and define our own boundaries and in my own endeavours to allow Amanda to flourish, there are two things above all others that I need to respect. The first is women and the second is my conscience. As a CDer, I am very much a guest in the world of women and I would never want to do anything that risked my invitation being revoked. And my conscience is often the only thing that stops me blowing up my life and, more than anything, I understand the problems it has caused when I have ignored it.
Some may think I’m overthinking the whole thing. Some may think I’ve reached the wrong conclusion and some may think that I have a point. All opinions are fine but the foregoing isn’t just about whether a CDer should use women’s fitting rooms. It’s an exercise in thought and perhaps a reminder that if you have to try too hard to justify your actions, it may be time for a rethink.
21 Responses
Amanda,
I might agree with you that you could be overthinking the situtuation , I also feel that your wife’s obvious disaproval weighs quite heavily on your own acceptance .
Lets face it even in my situation some ( like my ex ) would call me no more than a crossdresser , who shouldn’t be venturing into female spaces .
As for the question you posed , whether you pass or not most SAs are going to give you the benefit of the doubt and not question you are in transition or have transitioned . The problem has been solved by many retailers by making changing areas open to all , I must admit it does feel odd on occasions when you know a guy is trying on male items in the next cubicle . Also many changing areas still rely on curtains and wihout any locking arrangements , Yes I did have the curtain pulled back once in the Salvation Army charity shop by a young woman , I stood there as Teresa in a full length slip .
Turning the clock back when I shopped in male mode I had several occasions when SAs were helping me buy shoes and boots , on one occasion in a charity shop I found some lovely new M&S skirts resigned to disposal , I tried one on which was too big so I called to the SA to ask for the smaller size from the rack . The only time I had a problem was again in a charity shop , I was looking through a rack of women’s jackets when two elderly ladies approached me and told me in no uncertain terms to go to the male section !
Whether you consider yourself JUST a crossdresser the fact is you have something inside you that has a need to express a female side , whatever name you choose to call that need , some refer it to an itch that needs scratching . Again consider the F/M community do you think they have the same reservations about shopping in male departments , OK on the whole it is easier for a woman to dress in a mixed gender way . Women wear trousers all the time , I vowed never to accept that as Teresa but it is far too practical to ignore it . Yesterday I had several jobs to do in town , I felt like a change so I wore a winter skirt with my brown leather boots and dusky pink padded coat from Cotton Traders , as I drove into the town I didn’t see a single women wearing a skirt , I have to say I felt good as a nicely dressed woman . I had to see my letting agent , then into a building society to get my ISA book updated , a Savers store , a quick conversation with the manager ( Sarah ) of a travel agent and buy a birthday card .
If I had to stop and think whose space am I taking and am I possily violating anyone else’s space , in reality I am occupying Teresa’s space , perhaps consider next time you question whose space you occupy , tell yourself it’s Amanda’s !
Teresa, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
This is obviously one of the most complex issues we face, made all the more difficult by the continuing evolution of the whole trans debate. But as I put in the post, there’s an important distinction to be drawn between crossdressers, where enfemme outings and activities could be classed as recreational, and trans people where they’re to all intents and purposes a necessity. I could argue that my feelings run far deeper than just the clothes (which they do) but I have made a value judgement based on how I want to live my whole life, not just my feminine one, and as with everything in life, that has consequences.
What I came to realise when I was pondering all of this is that there is a hierarchy of reasons that a CDer may decide to enter dedicated female fitting rooms:
1. Affirmation – entry purely to feel more womanly
2. Recreation – entry to try on clothes as an extension of the CDing experience
3. Intent – entry to try on clothes to buy
I think few would argue with the assertion that reason 1 is invalid but, unfortunately, too many seem to view it as a badge of honour along with use of the ladies’ toilets. Reason 2, which is pretty well where I was on this particular outing, remains questionable. As I said in the post, women try on clothes with no intention to buy all the time but their motives for doing that are very different to those of CDers. There is a strong argument in support of reason 3 but it does raise the question of whether I, living as I do as a male, have any right to override rules and conventions designed for the dignity and safety of women.
As you mention, unisex fitting rooms solve the problem on the one hand but, on the other, it then raises the question of whether women want to share trying-on spaces with male identifying males. Certainly, the fitting rooms I used could easily have been unisex as they had latchable doors on the cubicles but it was interesting that none of the retailers who replied to my enquiry overtly stated that they operated a unisex policy. In the end, fitting rooms tend to be de facto segregated purely by the separation of men’s from women’s clothing sections and the provision of facilities in each but more than that, I don’t recall any sex/gender specific signage of the type we would see on the ladies’ and gents’ toilets.
Ultimately, the underlying message of this post was not to be either preachy or prescriptive but rather that’s it’s somtimes important to stop and think.
Amanda,
I must admit while I love shopping ( my ex hated it ) I have to be in the mood , I also admit that I might buy an item and then think of a suitable outing to wear it , I simply buy the item because I love it , can we say the same in male mode ? Matalan did surprise me when it reduced it’s changing area and then introduced them as open gender areas . I have seen women step out from the cubicles in some revealing outfits in front of male shoppers entering or leaving the area . I guess the thinking is they have extra retail space because more people are shopping on line , a large unused floor area doesn’t earn anything .
The affirmation comment is an intesting one , I admit I still push the envelope you could ask why ? As a woman I have every right to but the question is am I still trying to affirm my female existence ?
I do sometimes treat clothes shopping as a recreation , I have time to kill so why not see what the latest items are hanging on the racks , is that so different from a woman with time on her hand . Shopping is an outing for women , I loved shopping with my daughter and even my mother , we pick out items for each other , my mum found me a lovely skirt in Cotton Traders
The intent well I have to smile with that , Question , why do so many retailers and online suppliers label items ” WOMENS ” when clearly it’s an item more suited for females .
So confession time I did get some arousal at times when I accompanied my ex into women’s sections , I had walked into forbidden territory BUT it was OK because I had my wife with me . I also had to smile when retailers introduced creche areas for men to sit and wait for their wives , with my sense of humour I had some fun with them . On one occasion I said to a waiting group , ” do you mean to tell me none of you want to slip into something more comfortable ?” I also did see a couple in the next changing cubicle with the wife helping her CDing husband to try on clothes , in those circumsatnces which area should they have been using if was still segregated ?
The bottom line is if you aren’t harming anyone where’s the problem , do we really need questionable legislation to govern every movement we make ?
Picking up on your final paragraph, I guess the questions are (a) how do we define harm and (b) how do we quantify it? Around 70% of the population are fine with the idea of adults living as they wish but that still leaves 30% who may have issues. Now that could be 0% of women (if all the dissenters are men) or 60% (if all the dissenters are women) but most likely somewhere in between and the question then becomes should we (and here I mean CDers not trans in general), or even do we have the right to, ignore their opinion to suit our own ends? Should we respect those who genuinely feel uncomfortable or summarily dismiss them?
And then there’s the potential harm it does to the trans movement. If fitting rooms are seen as legitimate ‘playgrounds’ for CDers and it starts to become a ‘thing’ in certain places. Do the shops dismiss concerns of other shoppers or clamp down? And if they do clamp down, then bona fide trans people suffer.
Fortunately, these are still, for the most part, non-issues but the general backlash we are starting to see now is due at least in part to non-issues that, unchecked, became issues. To CDers like me, entering the feminine role is something akin to a lifetime pass to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory but as that film graphically demonstrated, we fail to self-regulate at our peril!
Amanda,
I can provide an answer to your question of ” Legitimate playgrounds ” . When I attended social groups some members often met in an out of town retail village in early evening( Springfields , Spalding ) , I’d often share a car , usually taking it in turns with another member . Sometimes up to ten would meet up in the coffee shop first to have tea/coffee and cakes and chat , after most of us would head for the large M&S outlet shop . The SAs knew us all and were always pleased to see us , because of that most customers either ignored us or came over to chat but we never had a problem . Obviously we were allowed to use the female changing facilities , very often accompanied by a SA to help us with changing , one often gave us good advice on choosing the right sized bra . The same situation applied to the rest of the retailers , they all welcomed us without problems , there was nothing to clamp down on , we posed no threat . Could we be accused of treating it as a playground ? It was fun at the time but we all had items we really needed , I had just moved to my new home so I needed household items along with warm weatherproof clothing so I could walk my dog .
We were a cross section of our community , one couple consisted of a transsexual with her husband , I had just started my transition as Teresa other’s were more CDers .
I can’t overstate the help and support social groups can offer , I don’t attend them now but I also appreciate they gave me the strength , courage and knowledge to become Teresa .
That in itself is interesting because the SAs were essentially encouraging the whole thing. And whilst I always ‘fly solo’, my experience was much the same. The issue, of course, is what if someone complains? If the SAs get hauled over the coals by their boss, then that’s down to them, but if the consequence is a hardening of the rules, then trans people in general are the losers.
I think you are worrying the issue to death which may be part of the overall guilt that CD’s appear to be saddled with. And what about if you have to use the rest room? Personally I feel that if you are easily identified as male then accept the fact that while you have a version of gender dysphoria that does not give you a license to push yourself in to female spaces.Otherwise -if you are more or less passable & you will not create a scene or make an ass of yourself-then go for it.
Emily, you’ve touched on an interesting angle there. The purists would no doubt argue that there should be no discrimination between those who blend well and those who don’t but in the end, that’s the unfairness of society in general, not just how it pertains to our particular situation. There will always be, for want of a better word, outliers at both ends of the scale – guys who only have to look at a lipstick to pass at one extreme and guys for whom no amount of expert help will make any difference at the other. But I firmly believe that the rest of us have a fighting chance providing we are happy to make an effort and that really stamps on the unfairness argument. And from my own experience, effort gets rewarded with acceptance.
In the end, I think we have to be pragmatic. It’s about remembering that we have no automatic right to enter women only spaces so we need to stop and think before we enter. If the reason for entry is legitimate and we behave appropriately, then the risk is low. If we’re doing it purely for personal gratification, then there are plenty of other options to consider.
There’s actually going to be a part 3 to this little series of posts which will see the light of day in a few weeks’ time. Without giving too much away, it’s about a recent experience I had that was far more affirming than any visit to ladies’ loos or fitting rooms could ever be without requiring any incursion into women-only spaces. Stay tuned!
Emily ,
I feel Amanda raise a good point about toilets/restrooms , use them if you feel comfortable but don’t treat them like a playground , I know some people who have taken selfies and put them on social media , that really doesn’t help anyone .
I have never had a problem with using female facilities in fact I would raise more eyebrows if I used male ones .
I’m glad I’ve transitioned because it makes things easier for me because I’ve left shame and guilt behind , I don’t have to overthink the problems CDers face .
Exactly!
Amanda,
Great post with lots to think about. But I think that is an issue. I believe you are overthinking fitting room protocol.
SAs are there, I believe, to help customers make a purchase AND to ensure people are not stealing clothes. They are not gender police.
We all know humans come in a tremendous variety of shapes and appearances. What is between their legs (or not) is absolutely nobody’s business. Over the decades I have seen and talked with a number of people who I had no idea what their gender was. And it didn’t matter. Nor would it matter to me what fitting room they used or what bathroom they used.
As a CD/TG I tried to look obviously female. I like wearing skirts and makeup. But my extent of feminization should not dictate what room I may use.
BUT, as I have always said, I am a very simple minded person. I’ll leave the great debates to others.
Love you,
Jocelyn
Me overthinking something?? Surely not!! ;D
I should probably confess that the foregoing post wasn’t just prompted by an isolated crisis of confidence on my part. A case covered in some of the UK news outlets in mid-2025 concerned a girl and her mother who went to Marks and Spencer for the girl’s first bra. They were approached by a trans-identifying (MTF) assistant which the mother felt was inappropriate and complained. M&S apologised to the mother for the distress caused. I cite this not to express an opinion one way or the other but just to illustrate that attitudes are hardening in the UK and this did make me think about the appropriateness or otherwise of my presence in the female fitting rooms.
I’m in complete agreement about the role of SAs but Zara’s response that ‘the staff will assist and guide [me] appropriately’ does rather suggest that judging the clientele ‘appropriately’ has also been added to the job descriptions in that particular chain. I also thought it was telling that none of the respondents, including M&S, were prepared to say exactly what their policy is.
In the end, we can only do what we feel is appropriate and right.
I want to thank you for the well thought out and written post. I have experienced the gamut from acceptance to distain when shopping. Both my best and worst experiences were in resale shops, and neither time was I presenting female. Clothing is inanimate and cares less who tries it on or buys it. It was the salesperson and their experiences and biases created by those experiences that caused me trouble. Likewise the good times benefited by positive experiences of the people I encounter. I try to be gracious and positive when I go out so others experience the positive as so much of our community is portrayed negatively.
Thanks for your kind words. I do believe that this is an important subject to air if only to get people thinking. I know that some believe that self-identification is sufficient to open all doors but, as you have highlighted, reality can sometimes take a different view. It’s tough, and can even feel humiliating, when it happens and as I said in other responses, the point of this post was not to say what we should and shouldn’t do but to encourage thought and appreciation that there is more than one angle to this. Your final sentence illustrates this perfectly.
I think thou must over think. Or maybe I under think and just do it. I have not shopped in female mode; but I have shop in male mode in “female selling stores.” Would they, should they, have a men’s fitting room? I’ve even stood in line for a fitting room at a crowded VS store. Sale associates have offered to let me try on anything and everything in many stores, and I have. But maybe I’m a Level 3 – I intend to buy, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try on something else at the same time just to get an idea of fit and styling on my body, even if I would never wear it (Level 1?).
It must be different on this side of the pond.
I like shopping now, sure didn’t before, especially for shoes. I like shopping in person, especially for shoes, but it is hard to find the heels I like and I can wear 12 hours +, so mostly on-line but I will shoe shop a few hours a month.
Unfortunately I enjoy retail therapy too much, I have two necklaces and 4 inch wedges coming this week.
BTW locking doors is to prevent someone from entering while you are changing, something curtains aren’t good at.
Cali, I suspect the right answer to the over/underthinking question is somewhere between the two of us!
I’ll say at the outset that more or less every sales assistant I’ve ever dealt with has been wonderful and the small minority that haven’t have just been benign rather than demeaning or negative in any way. Whether things are different between our two countries is difficult to judge, not least as I know that there is variability between states, but the whole question of males in female spaces is very much a live issue here punctuated on the one hand by ongoing court cases and on the other by general confusion over what the law actually states. And that in turn has led to increasing vocalisation of concerns about the incursion of trans ideology into society. I know that I can do a decent enough job of my transformation to mean that I’m highly unlikely to be challenged (to be clear, I’m not saying I pass, just that I try to present an appropriate image) but that doesn’t address the fundamental question of whether it’s right or wrong. What’s apparent in this particular issue is that no answer exists that everyone will be happy with but compromise comes from consideration of multiple points of view and, as with everything in life, it’s better to approach situations with our eyes open .
OMG you are overthinking it.
First, I go into dressing rooms because I want to see how something looks on me, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE GOES INTO A CHANGE ROOM TO DO.
Second, I might as well go in because these days all too often NO ONE ELSE IS IN THE STORE, because every one is shopping on line. I might as well make use of them.
That’s a good point about online shopping. The fitting rooms were somewhat deserted when I went in!
Amanda,
To pick up your comment about the transgender SA in M&S .
If we turn the clock back shoppers might have complained about being served by a non white person . In your example did the mother need to complain , she could have politely asked for alternative SA . M&S were abiding by current gender guidelines , that SA would have received the same training as as other SAs . OK I admit I prefer female SAs when shopping but at the same time some can be off hand but then some customers can be very rude without good cause . Many do not receive high wages , they are long and sometimes boring days , are they really bothered about who uses the changing cubicles as long as they get a sale .
Sorry to repeat myself but even before going full time eight years ago I’ve never had a bad experience , both from SAs or other customers , I’m polite and smile and treat them all with respect , up to now I had the same response in return . Segregation causes more problems than it solves , I wouldn’t enter a space if Ifelt it would cause discomfort I don’t need legislation to dictate common sense .
Amanda, I go by a general rule. If a woman feels uncomfortable with me being in a changing room or restroom, I would leave immediately. I think I look good as a woman, I know I don’t pass but I have never had a problem either going into the restroom or a changing room.
Love Julie
I think that’s a good strategy, Julie. There will always be women happy to kick up a fuss for the sake of kicking up a fuss but, fortunately, these seem to be a tiny minority and the vast majority are either enthusiastic supporters or neutral, particularly if it’s obvious that we have made an effort to conform.