Lockdown Walk to Hyde Park

(11 November 2020)

By Lisa P.

Introduction

For those of you living in North America, COVID may not have involved a true “lockdown,” whereby government mandates limited the extent to which one could move freely about one’s city. In London, in November 2020, Government dictated an almost complete lockdown, in hopes of freeing the City from the worst ravages of the pandemic during the coming Christmas holiday. Typical of these lockdowns, from 5 November everyone was instructed to remain home, with permission to leave only for a limited set of reasons (such as education, work if you could not work from home, for medical reasons, to provide care, to shop for essentials and (thankfully) for exercise and recreation outdoors. That last exception allowed me to walk and run throughout London during the November 2020 lockdown. My lockdown walk to Hyde Park (one of London’s most famous) is described in this post, which I wrote at that time.

The “Good”

I went out today with a mask but without my usual wig. I decided to walk ten miles or more so that I could visit Hyde Park. On the way, I stopped at my favorite coffee shop, Mikel’s on Tottenham Court Road just north of the American International Church, to get an “Americano.”  I had a nice interaction with the barista, who offered me a chocolate croissant for an additional  £1. I don’t think she had much business that day, as there were so few people outdoors. I took a moment to take a selfie, sans mask.

With my coffee and croissant in hand, I walked south until I came to Whitfield Gardens, just past the church, a refurbished pocket park (having been reclaimed from rough sleepers as part of the West End Projects, with the restoration of the beautiful Fitzrovia mural – see above).

The park had some very nice new benches, and the day was warming up, so I sat on one of the small seats to enjoy my coffee and eat my croissant.

As I happily ate and drank, an older (perhaps early 70’s) woman with grey hair not unlike mine stopped and said something like, “my, that is a nice place to enjoy your coffee.”  I said that I agreed and then she asked what was in the space before, because she had not noticed the park. I told her that it had been reclaimed from rough sleepers and that on a day like today it was a wonderful place to pause. She thanked me and said she planned to get some coffee and come back to the park to enjoy it. I have no idea if she read me as transgendered and stopped to talk because she was curious. But the entire interaction was so very “normal” between two older women that I think it didn’t even occur to her (at least not until after she left me).  Perhaps her eyesight isn’t what it once was! In any case, I found the interaction, like my interaction with the barista, to be very affirming. I finished my meal and needed to get on with my walk, so I did not wait to see if she might return so that we could resume our conversation. Also, I had Hyde Park and the famous Marble Arch still to visit!

The “Bad”

The day turned sunny and beautiful. I was feeling chipper after a long walk away from the confines of my flat. Near one of the entrances to the St. Pancras International train station I noticed walking my way along the pavement. As the person got closer, I could tell they were of slight build and wore garish eye makeup and female clothing. At my first glance directly at her, she flashed me a smile and made a little wave to me at waist level. I took it as a wave of acknowledgement (as in, “I know you are a kindred soul”), so I made the same wave in return. Of course, it could have been that she was trying to be noticed and when I did notice her, she gave that friendly wave. But that isn’t how I took it. It is obvious to me that many people can “read” me, even (or even more so) when I am sporting a mask. My head is just too big, my forehead is too large, and my shoulders are too broad. Any one of those features by itself wouldn’t give me away, and someone not studying me wouldn’t necessary connect all those dots, but the sum of all of them seen by someone else who is transgender would be a dead giveaway. I “made” her instantly, and I suspect she “made” me quickly as well. The realization was deflating. To be honest, I would rather she had not waved. The rest of the way home I found myself wishing I could go home, put on my favorite wig, find her again and she if she failed to wave the second time….

The “Ugly”

A terrible result of COVID is our separation from others. We walk around with masks, hiding our expressions, with muted or nonexistent conversations, leading to misunderstandings. How like the life of a CD/TG person COVID makes us all. We are hidden and separated from others, and we misunderstand the motives and needs of others. There is a life lesson in all this for me, to be sure. Do not hide, be engaged, and try to understand another person’s failure to understand! A mask may look ugly, but underneath that mask is beauty for sure.

Postscript. I have a working theory that CD/TG women have excellent antennae that vibrate whenever another CD/TG woman is encountered, and that cisgender women are more oblivious (their antennae must remain retracted!). I have tested this theory on my wife when we have been together and we have encountered a CD/TG woman, whether on the train, working as a barista or simply walking along the pavement.  My wife never notices the transgender woman. I have told my wife that she could take small comfort from that fact, as her own failure to notice these women means that many people don’t notice me when I am out and about either!  Perhaps it will give comfort as well to other CD/TG women who fear going out into the world. Do not be afraid: the people most likely to notice you are people just like you!