By Lisa P.
I have two deep-seated concerns these days relating to my gender identity. First, I fear that I am the cause of significant distress to my lovely wife, who means the world to me. We talk about everything, and she is tries to be empathetic when I inevitably bring up the topic of my identity. But I cannot expect that she will greet the news that she is married to a woman as a wonderful enhancement. She married someone she thought was a man, someone who acted like a man and someone who performed tolerably well as the man of the house for over forty years. Let’s just say that I can hardly blame her if she feels like she has been blown to bits. Yet, we remain a good team and we remain committed to each other, and she tolerates me living half my life as Lisa, which is more than many Kandi’s Land readers have available to them. Despite my distress on this issue, I must accept it as a wound that will never heal. But the pain of the wound is being managed, at least for now. In any case, being honest with her allows me to think of myself more sympathetically.
The second cause of distress is a deep-rooted fear that I am not good enough to be a woman and that I am a fraud. I am sure it is a variation of the imposter syndrome we often have in other contexts in our lives. How can I think of myself as a woman? Am I simply an imposter, masquerading as something I deeply admire? As I have struggled with this type of distress, I have concluded that I am who I am and that I am not pretending to be something I am not. In other words, this distress has taken a back seat to the first distress mentioned above. Focusing on gender from this perspective, however, has led me to change my preferences for how I describe myself.
Hear me out on this, even though you may disagree. The truth is that having realized I am a woman there are now very few words that I want to have applied to me. I am OK with bi-gendered, since (as noted above), I live in two genders. That is a fact. I am also OK with AMAB, since in fact I was assigned male at birth (although it was simplistic for the doctor to look at my anatomy at birth and announce to my parents, “it’s a boy!”, that is indeed what happened). Again, simply a fact. Finally, I am very much OK with the verb “to be” and the phrase “human being.” I am who I am and I am a human being. And of course I like being described as a woman version of a human being and prefer not to be described as a man version of a human being unless I am clearly presenting that way.
What I no longer like much are all the words used by, for and against our community, currently and historically. Let’s start with transexual. I am not a transexual. I am heterosexual AMAB human being and have never changed into a homosexual. Therefore, I have never moved from one sexuality to another. I probably am being picky here, because there was a time when “gender” and “sex” were used interchangeably. But that leads us to the term “transgender,” which I have used often in my writing for practical reasons (together with the shorthand “TG”). I have come to understand that I have not moved to a different gender either. I have always identified as a female human, even when I didn’t have the words to describe what was going on inside my head. Even though we use the term inside this community liberally as a handy way to distinguish us from the cisgender community, I feel as though it is used too frequently in the media these days to make us feel unworthy of being and “different” from other women. At its core, the word implies someone who “never was” but thinks they “are now”. Moreover, to at least some people, we “shouldn’t” be allowed to consider ourselves to be women. The group making this argument typically refers to “biological sex” with a focus on anatomy instead of brain function. When used in that way, the public discourse has no doubt been one reason I have felt like I am a fraud and that my female friends will consider me a fraud if they discover that I was not AFAB. I say this because when I was younger, and dressing up regularly and going out in public, I never once felt like a fraud. I was simply expressing myself.
The only change since my youth is the public noise. Now some of you may raise the fact that I (and all of you) have never had a uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes and could never have borne children. If I present as a woman but don’t have those biological characteristics, there are many people in the world who argue I am “biologically male” and should not be allowed into women-only spaces or in women’s sports. Worse yet, the conclusion from the focus on this definition of biological sex often is that cisgender women should not feel safe around humans like me. The assumption always has been that AMAB means someone who preys on those AFAB, and there is nothing anyone can do to change the biological drive that causes that result. As you may imagine, I strongly disagree. I believe the way I live my life disproves their argument. I am a good girlfriend. I am a strong supporter of women and women’s rights. And I do everything I can to live authentically as a woman.
Which brings me back to the words “passing” and “blending,” which I have discussed (and used) before. Passing is a term borrowed from persons of African American descent, and it implies that someone can “get away with appearing to be” or successfully “pretend to be” white. That concept has its own fundamental errors, which I will not discuss here. Nevertheless, it is used by our community. When we use the term it means essentially the same thing as it did in the earlier context. One substitutes the word “woman” for the word “white.” Blending is similar. It implies fitting into a community and not looking like one belongs to a different community. In other words, as applied to gender, if you can blend in as a woman, then people treat you as a woman. We must accept, however, that these meanings effectively eliminate one’s true nature and being. If I am a woman, there is no “appearing to be,” “pretending to be” or “looking like I belong” – I simply am.
Which leads me to Stana’s favorite word, “femulating” (from her website femulate.org). I should admit at the outset that persons who like the word “femulate” (a creative combination of “female” and “emulating”) may be cross dressers who do not identify as women. I completely understand members of the crossdressing community embracing that term (and the terms passing and blending too). Many Kandi’s Land readers identify as CD, so that may include you. Some readers even openly describe what they do as a non-professional form of female impersonation. It gives them great joy to pretend to be women and to be accepted as women. Their joy comes from the art involved in successfully pulling that stunt off, especially given the many “tells” males typically have. As you know, in the past, I have written about my own “tells” perhaps because I identified as a crossdresser myself. I spent much time trying to figure out how to minimize my tells so that I could pass effectively.
As I have come to understand my identity, however, I realize that femulating is a very poor description of me. I am simply being. I am being myself. And being myself means being a woman. I fully accept that I am a woman AMAB. I want to be clear about this. I am not delusional about the fact of my birth. Yet, once I began to understand who I was, I stopped worrying about “tells,” I stopped worrying about “passing,” and I stopped worrying about “blending.” I was no longer femulating either. Being is being, and understanding my being has allowed me to throw off the yoke (for someone who identifies as a woman) of these words and phrases. They simply don’t apply to me and say more about the person using the terms than about who I am at my core.
Let me be clear on a very important point. Nothing requires someone who identifies as a woman to present as a woman. She may not be able to present as a woman given the constraints of her life (and wife!). Similarly, nothing requires a man who enjoys femulating from transitioning to life as a woman and thinking of himself as a woman. He should jolly well be allowed to be whatever kind of bloke he wants, even whe he adopts a female name and clothes on occasion.
I have come to understand that the golden rule dictates that we all should let each other “be” who we are, whatever that means for us, whatever pronouns or names we want to use and however we want to dress. There are few people in my life (about a dozen) who know me in both genders. Every one of them has said, “you are the same person.” The truth of that statement is that being me doesn’t mean I change my personality or who I am at my core. Interestingly, these friends and family members often add that they never saw my feminine traits as clearly before they saw me presenting as myself. The cloak and dagger lifestyle tends to result in camouflaging. In addition, people see what they want to see. Here is my truth. If you sent me to prison and used physical force to restrain how I act, sound and dress, nothing would change for me in terms of my identification. I would be a woman forced to live as a man 100% of the time, that is all.
Which brings me full circle to the fraud issue I raised early on. Do I have a duty to give a full-blown explanation to everyone in my communty and to everyone I meet along life’s road? Do they need to receive a discourse on my personal physical and emotional history, as well as an instruction manual for what to say to me? No, I do not owe anyone that duty. That can’t be the correct conclusion, even if I sometimes feel like I am not being completely truthful because I have an AMAB secret that might lead my friends to think of me differently if they discover it. Yet, as I implied at the outset, being me is sometimes messy. I had a girlfriend ask me recently for my home address so she could send me a Christmas card. Another asked me for my home address so that she could send me a thank you note for a party I organized. If I gave these two friends my actual address, they could quickly Google the address and learn who lived in my house, complete with photos to match against my look. That would be the end of what I consider my normal life. So I used the address of a family member with a different last name. Camouflage, for me, remains necessary. Recall that I have separately described why I am not out and therefore why I am faced with a plethora of logistical nightmares like these.
Each of you navigate this journey with your own challenges and with your own personal descriptors that you use along the way. I am always willing to listen to your story and learn what you need and want, and I ask the same from you. Most particularly, I hope that you will continue to grow as a person in 2025, and that you will be able to spend time figuring out better what you need and want.
Because BEING a woman is wonderful, even for those of us AMAB.
17 Responses
A great piece of writing Lisa!
I have personally reduced it all down to just one label – lucky.
I’m really lucky to be able to experience the good parts of both genders every day, and occasionally get to visibly see the female side. All those who don’t get to experience both are missing out on so much!
I have a wife that loves that we get our nails done together and that we can go shopping and freely discuss if a dress we look at would suit her or Maddie better.
And I have a BFF, who I also regularly work with, who was in my office for several hours today. In between the work stuff we talked makeup, wigs, a photo shoot of Maddie using her house, going out in public and several other related things.
I’d hate to live without all that now.
Yep, no more overthinking it, just the one label for me …
Maddie,
What a hopeful response — perfect for the beginning of a new year. Being lucky is a wonderful way to identify. If we have love in our life that is luck enough for many of us.
Lisa
Hi Lisa,
Thank you for your thoughts. You have given me perspective that I’ve not had before because I have not allowed myself the public presentation that you have given yourself. I envy deeply you and others AMAB women who have been able to accomplish what you have.
I on the other hand continue to live in the closet. It has expanded in that I can now dress in my own home in the presence of my wife pseudo-freely. I say pseudo- freely because she has her limits, and has yet to understand and accept that which drives my desire for feminine expression is that at my core I identify as a very traditionally feminine woman.
I am thankful for this place in my journey, but it leaves me wanting more. More, not in the sense of dressing more passably but more in the sense of just simply being me, Charlene, a woman who has her own sense of style, desire to accomplish, achieve, serve, be loved as herself etc.
Years ago in working with a gender therapist one of our discussion was me asking this: Who am I? Am I a man who wants to be a woman? Am I a woman trapped in a man’s body? Or am I simply a woman who wants to be?
She said she had never heard it expressed that way, but liked the way I framed my search for self identification.
Since that time two other gender professionals that I have worked with have very plainly concluded and stated that the male me is actually a facade because at my core I am really a woman. Very few men I am told feel sad that they cannot get pregnant, carry their baby to term, give birth, and mother their child.
Did I need their professional diagnosis to realize this? No. But that diagnosis did help me to embrace who I was sans guilt.
Today after a lifetime of questioning, agonizing, and struggling (I have been this way consciously for 65 yrs.) I have embraced the truth that I am a woman simply wanting to be. Or framed in a slightly different way, I am a woman who by virtue of my male body soveiignly assigned to me by God, am expected to fulfill male responsibilities. By grace I have done so and have done so successfully, but that doesn’t negate the truth that at my core I am a woman.
Albeit I am a trans woman. I don’t like the label “trans”, because of all the negative baggage it carries, but it seems to convey a modicum of understanding that minimize lengthy explanation.
So I am a woman who happens to be trans. Trans is but an adjective I use to understand my unique womanhood experience.
At this point I wouldn’t want to not be trans. It frightens me to think about finally be relieved if this incongruity. I have no idea of who I would be if I were a male with no gender incongruity. But I have clear idea and perspective of who I would be and how I would pursue life as a woman completely free to be myself.
Blessings,
Charlene
Charlene,
We each get to define who we are, what we think about who we are, and the words we use to describe ourselves. That is one freedom I hope we all honor in each other. I am proud to know you virtually because you are honest and real about your personal struggles, and I find encouragement when I read about other women here who are finding their own way forward, as I somehow have managed to do myself after a lifetime of struggle.
Lisa
Lisa,
When I read pieces like this I feel it’s important to understand the circumstances are the same for a F/M transgender person , the split in some gender clinics is 50-50 . We read very few stories from the female – male community , I have met only one in my travels , would they be welcome in Kandi’s Land ? I’m sure they would .
Back to your piece , the situation with wives or partners is not always the same . When I attended transgender /CD social groups about 25% of the wives also attended the meetings because they enjoyed it , perhaps some attended to keep an eye on hubbie . The bottom line in my situation was I couldn’t live without my transgender needs and my wife couldn’t live with them , we found once we’d gone down that road there was no way back . Marriage became compromises and to a point of walking on eggshells , it was having an impact on the whole family .
Are we all frauds to a point ? The qusetion is do you feel more of a fraud as a man or a woman ? It really does come down to the level of dysphoria , finding your peace with that becomes paramount , do we have to ignore our birth gender ? In these circumstances we have to totally honest with oursleves , the simple answer is if we are totally free to exercise our preferences which would we choose ? I wasn’t totally free but so I had to make some tough decisions .
The only way I found I could finally answer the ” fraud ” question was when I stepped out the door as Teresa , my first day , could I make it the rest of my life or would I chicken out ? Am I really choosing my gender ? All I’m really doing is presenting sufficiently to be accepted as a woman , in my mind I’m just me , Teresa .
On the point of passing and /or blending , my personal take on this is I present myself so I can integrate comfortably into society , “integration ” being the key word . As I’m in the UK I’d never considered ” passing” in your description , the colour of someone’s skin never entered my head in the transgender context .
So who actually misses the MAN ? Very few people in fact so many now only know me as Teresa so they have nothing to compare me with . Obviously my ex-wife is never going to accept me but the important point is we are now both free to build a new life , perhaps I can understand my son as he’s lost his dad but he has met me several times so we’re getting there .
Fraud or not there is no going back for me , my official name change has finally sealed my future and I’m totally happy with that .
Teresa,
Two good thought I take from your response. The first regarding FTM is spot on. I had that thought in my head as well as I wrote this piece. I decided not to add it only because I have yet to hear of any member of this community who so identifies. But we mustn’t ignore their experience or fail to hear them when they speak.
The second regarding integration also resonates with me. You struggled once in a relationship that didn’t allow either one of you to be whole; now you’re free to integrate into the community meet yourself. What a victory for you! And we should all take comfort, knowing that your path works as well as any other, as path is devoid of pain. Yet, we Don’t have to be defined by that pain, as one can see from our personal stories.
Lisa
Maybe my reaction is too simplistic but -RELAX! Over 20 years ago a scientist from USC espoused the theory (in the Wall Street Journal) that in the womb there is a misfire which gives us more or less a female brain. I have seen this theory several times since from others in the medical field. I would imagine that other forms of brain distortions would also lead to homosexuality,autism etc.Other wise why we would we come up with this life style out of the blue?
So,personally, I just relax and accept that is who I am and not waste a minute worrying it to death
Emily,
Good advice!
Lisa
Lisa,
What an extremely well thought out post. I love the way you look at things from multiple sides. This is a very intelligent reflection of so many things.
There seems to be a need for everyone to describe themselves. This is even more prevalent in our community. None of that is wrong or bad. It helps identify us to the world of who we are. We all need to feel like we belong; to something.
In the past I have referred to my self as CD. And more recently as TG. I guess I had to use some descriptor besides “man”, which wasn’t true.
But I did say years ago that I am ME. A number of us use the same comment about self: ME. It seems like a cop out, but it is how I actually feel. Whether I am dressed like a man or a woman I basically feel the same. I am me, and very comfortable in any situation or appearance.
I do feel badly for you and the awkwardness with your wife. Although that type of relationship is very common. There is no right way to do this. Heaven knows I don’t do this correctly.
But, we do love each other and provide much needed support. Thank you dear friend.
Love,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn,
You are too kind. I celebrate the truth you provide at the end, i.e. that we provide love and support to each other. We all desperately need it. I also love you are are “me” with all the meaning you personally give to that pronoun.
I hope everyone here will continue to grow into the best “me” they can “be”!
Lisa
This was so thoughtful and I thoroughly agree with everything said. I’m so glad for people like Lisa and Kandi and a place like this site. These are the kind of women I try to emulate.
Elizabeth,
Kandi has been a blessing to all of us by providing this site and outlet. Here, it feels safe to say how we feel and to explore new ways of thinking.
Thank you for commenting.
Lisa
Lisa,
Years ago, when filling out a job application, I came across the term ‘intersex’ as a gender selection. Of course I investigated it. There are 9 different things that are used to determine the sex at birth, all you need is 5 of the 9 to be one ‘sex’ or the other. Amd most of these things are determine by the timing when different hormones appear in the womb. A little late or early can make a big difference.
In my professional life, I have encountered several FTM, MTF, and ?/? individuals. And have had candid talks with several. (The ?/? really confused me, female presenting with the ‘demand’ that I use a male name “when addressing him.” When I tried to inquire, the indivual turned it back on me because of my nails and boots. Because of my professional status, I was prevented from further questions, so I remain confussed.)
LP, I understand your delima of you and your spouse and an address. But you are very lucky to have been able to develope girlfriends as Lisa. And Maddie Smith are also very lucky.
I like the terms ‘two feathers’ and ‘duality’ to describe of who I am. I have both inner and outter displays of male and female. I am simply Me.
Cali,
I love your honesty. I have a friend who identifies as “non-binary” and “transgender” and uses “they/them” pronouns. Yet, they have a female name, wear women’s clothes and present to me and to the world as completely feminine. They have to announce what they are. Meanwhile, they have a transgender MtF girlfriend. I would be lying if I didn’t say I find them confusing! I must remain true to my personal philosophy—it allows me to remain their friend. It also keeps me from riding my “high horse” all over town. If that starts happening, you and my other friend here would be justified in shooting the poor beast out from under me!
Lisa
Lisa, I am much more on the CD side of our community, so I don’t have the same feeling of “me” as you and others do. I like the term bi-gender, as I am presenting as one or the other (99% him, 1% her), and I have described myself as TG in the past. I agree with Kandi that we “never pass”, but being smart, confident, and appropriate goes a very long way in “blending” with other women.
I do have the same fears as you, however. My wife is not aware of the full extent of my dressing and adventures, but she knows I have female clothes and is unhappy that I have hidden it from her. So I am always concerned that telling her more about Tina will be too cruel and crushing for her. And I am certainly a fraud in my adventures, as I am not a woman, just trying to be accepted as one while hopefully looking the part.
For 2025, I hope to reach a state where I can be more positive about this side of me without throwing everything else in my life away. I always enjoy my times out, but they are usually so short as to be almost nothing. I would like to have more time in the day (8-10 hours rather than 2-3), but that will require more serious conversations with my wife.
Thank you for this thought-provoking post!
another comment—most of the writers appear to be older and our way of life now rears its head because much has changed
which has opened things up -this you all know. However anyone writing about wife problems and is under age 30 does not spark any sympathy.Us older folks had no options but under 30 and keeping it secret? what were you thinking of?
I have also described to others how it was this way-consider the song “Let Him In”—part of it includes-“someones knocking on the door-someones ringing the bell” . For us older folks it should be Let Her In because that girl was knocking on our door since we were
a young kid-all the time -but we had no way to answer.
Thank you Lisa for your insightful essay. It just proves how complex human gender identity can be. Gender is much more then a binary concept. We all have very different ways we express our gender identity. Many woman also express the same variation of gender expression as we do. What matters is how happy we are in expressing how we feel about who we are.
I am happy expressing both genders. What is difficult is balancing who we are in a complex society. My wife does not accept my female side at all. I know this has been a burden on her, but I need this feminine side as much as my male side.
Our differences make the world a more interesting place.