I woke up at around 7:00 am and thoughts of the day ahead were soon buzzing around my mind. But first things first – I needed to get ready for breakfast and that meant shaving with a blade razor (my usual electric is nowhere near good enough for a stubble free day) and then stemming the blood flow from the nicks. Having reassured myself that I’d avoided the need for a transfusion, I made a start on the transformation.
For my second day, I’d decided on a more casual vibe which would be suitable for breakfast, the second of the two model shows that was my pretext for being away from home overnight and a visit to a local museum which I’d engineered to maximise the time I could spend en femme before returning home. So the skirt was swapped for wide leg trousers which, together with a simple jumper and stiletto ankle boots seemed ideal for the day ahead.
Breakfast was uneventful other than seeing that Basma was once again (or perhaps still) on duty in the restaurant so I had a quick chat with her before returning to my room to pack my belongings and get ready to check out. There had been a few niggling problems with the room so when I handed my keycard back to the receptionist, I mentioned these to her. How things have changed from just a year or so ago when I would have been terrified at the prospect of saying anything other than the bare minimum to those I interacted with. And the receptionist couldn’t have been nicer during our interaction.
First port of call was the model show. I decided to change into flats to blend in more with the other visitors and spent a couple of hours there enjoying the exhibits with little to report other than getting a few smiles (not smirks!) from exhibitors and using the ladies’ loo without incident. On the way in, I’d spotted a few clothing chain shops nearby so decided to make the most of my girl time with a bit of retail therapy.
I made my way back to the car, changed back into my heels and added my long black coat to complete the look and headed to the shops. I have to say that I find browsing womenswear shops one of the wonderful perks of being able to cross the gender divide; I do sometimes do it in male mode but I always feel on edge and far prefer to look as if I belong there. In one shop, I spotted a gorgeous faux fur jacket and just had to try it on. Suffice to say that if I had any excuse whatsoever to wear it, I would have bought it on the spot but, with the stash bag now full and opportunities to use it fast dwindling, I sadly had to return it to the rails.
I visited several more shops, buying a handy set of makeup brushes in one before heading to the final shop where I had the only negative experience of the weekend. A teenage girl obviously realised my provenance and gave me the dirtiest look possible – it was Primark, though, and for those readers not acquainted with this particular chain, high end it most certainly isn’t and it attracts a clientele to match! But let’s face it, if a scowl is the worst we encounter when out, we can’t really complain.
Having finished shopping, it was time to make my way to the museum where I spent a couple of hours walking round, again being treated completely normally by the staff there. And that’s when I had my second wonderful encounter of the weekend.
My fingernails are a bit of a state. Long on my right hand for guitar playing and bitten on my left hand so I use stick on nails when out en femme. Because I tend to lose one or two per outing, I bought a set of 200 in different sizes from Amazon. They’re a deep red colour and quite long which means they’re not the easiest things to put on, particularly when the hand that already has them on then has to sort out the sticky pads to get the other hand ready. But when they’re on, they look fantastic and really complete the look. Somehow, by the time I visited the museum’s gift shop, all 10 were still attached and as I was paying for my purchase, the lady on the till exclaimed ‘I love the colour of your nails!’. I thanked her and said that it was a special weekend for me and people like her really made it perfect. She smiled and told me that she hoped I enjoyed the rest of my day.
And sadly, that was more or less the end of the adventure. UK motorways tend to look like car parks on a Sunday evening so the drive home took a lot longer than planned. I did stop for a meal on the way back but it was uneventful fast food and then finally arrived back at the station car park to change back into drab and return home, hoping that I’d removed every trace of makeup.
-o-O-o-
Epilogue
It’s an expression I probably overuse but what I’ve just accomplished has well and truly blown my mind. I called this little series ‘Living The Dream’ for good reason; the idea of living within an alternative identity for a period is a relatively recent aim but while I was experiencing it, it really felt that I had finally found what I had been looking for ever since the fateful day when I first tried on a pair of my mother’s tights around half a century ago. As I’ve wrestled with the whole idea of having a feminine side over the years, I’ve never been completely sure as to what it is I’ve been looking for – what do the practicalities and consequences of ‘I wish I’d been born a girl’ really look like? But fully living in my feminine persona, even though fleetingly, gave a tantalising view of what the life I’ve always wished had been mine and, dare I say, left me wanting more.
But to suggest that it was all ‘unicorns and rainbows’ would be wrong. Whilst deep down I knew that this was something I both wanted and needed to do, as D-day got closer, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that what I was planning was a gross breach of marital trust. It struck me that this must be what having an extramarital affair feels like – I was after all planning a weekend away with another woman who I have strong feelings for. It’s just that in this case, the other woman happened to be me. It wasn’t that I’d told any lies; the pretext for my time away was genuine and I fully disclosed everything I was planning for my time away. Except the fact that I was doing it under an alias and presenting as female the whole time. I know that I’m not the first to either experience these feelings or do what I did and I certainly won’t be the last but it will shape how I manage this side of my life in the future – a future where her retirement is looking imminent and, as a result, sneaking my stash to the car will become difficult, if not impossible. More than anything, I know that there’s a conversation to be had with Mrs A where on the one hand I can reassure her that being ‘him’ for her remains my top priority but on the other I have to come clean about the evolution of my feminine side. The compromise, of course, will be for her to turn a blind eye to my periodic absences but that may be difficult for her when she knows full well what I’ll be up to and I’m really conflicted about whether it’s fair to put her in that situation.
But that’s a challenge for the future and, for now, I’d rather concentrate on the present. I’ve just had the time of my life being the person I’ve always dreamed of being doing things I never thought possible. I became Amanda, proudly introducing myself as her and living as her for 36 hours. But it was those I encountered who really made it special – the guy on the train ride who struck up a conversation with me, the spontaneous compliments about my outfit from the wonderful Basma in the hotel restaurant and the positive reception for my nails from the lady in the gift shop. And there were many more uneventful interactions with people who were just happy to treat me in the same way that they would treat anyone else. Yes, there was the brief downer from the Primark Scowler but she needs to get a life!
But let’s be real, not one person that I interacted would have been in any doubt about me and I would also assert that the compliments from Basma the waitress about my outfit and the gift shop lady about my nails were made because of what I am, not despite it. Or maybe not – who knows? But who cares – whatever the drivers of the comments were, their subtext was one of acceptance and reassurance. For too long, I hid in the shadows, worrying about all of the hidden risks that I would encounter if I dared show my face to others. It’s taken time for me to overcome those fears, firstly by getting my transformations to an acceptable standard and secondly by doing my best to stop thinking like a CDer and start thinking like a woman and dressing to blend in rather than stand out. But with every outing where no one seemed to notice me and with every interaction where no one seemed to care, those fears gradually evaporated and I was finally able to embrace who I really am, not be embarrassed by it or fearful of other seeing me. Having a foot in both camps means compromise but it also means that I can leave the baggage that goes with ‘his’ life on his pile of clothes and immerse myself in my longstanding dream, albeit fleetingly, not just dip my toe in the water.
Maybe this was the start of a new chapter in my life or maybe this marked journey’s end. It’s difficult to imagine how I could top this and changing circumstances at home mean that even replicating it will get ever more difficult and the irony of the fact that living an honest life as myself requires inherent dishonesty to others is not lost on me. But the fact that I can look back and feel ‘mission accomplished’ fills me with a sense of pride and a feeling that whatever the future holds, I can look forward to it without a shred of regret.
15 Responses
Amanda,
I hope you don’t mind me starting with a couple of stories realting to your post .
I must admit I love model trains , Many years ago I started to collect Nguage after seeing the display at the Peco factory . The large displays often tour the country , I happened to see one at the Show Ground in Peterborough , so I thought I’d make a day of it . I wiil add this is sometime ago so I went as HIM ! As I paid my ticket I felt in my pockets for my glasses case but when I opened the case was empty ! Viewing the displays was OK but checking out anything with fine detail was hopeless !
Onto the problem with hotel rooms , last year I went with my NT group to Sunderland , obviously now as Teresa . Everyone checked in and I departed to my room to unpack , the room was a mess , houskeeping had missed it completely . I made my way back down to reception and told them the room still looks occupied , the receptionist apologised and handed me a new room card . So back up with my luggage , the room was fine but faced the seafront wiith a strong sea breeze blowing through an open window but the catch was broken ! So back down to recption , again apologies , this time she checked the problem and agreed it needed maintenance so finally a third room card . My room was now in an annex so I had two lifts and two flights of stairs , the others in my group couldn’t believe my problems . I joked with them when they said they were going to have an early night because I never did get an early night as it took me so long to locate my room .
I recalled the second story because of the ineractions I’d had with the hotel staff , no matter what she may have thought of me I was still a paying guest . It was the second holiday I’d had with my group so there are no problems but if it had been my first time out swapping rooms might have had more problems . So I’m really pleased for you that you find the time and courage to be Amanda . I also appreciate you thoughts on the situation with your wife , is it cheating on her or not , the fact is she knows about Amanda but she may not fully understand your needs . It’s so hard to decide who is right and who is wrong , are you cheating on her or is she denying you something you need ?
Teresa, thank you for sharing your experiences.
I can actually beat your three room experience. Mrs A and I went on holiday to the USA and actually went through four rooms before Mrs A was finally satisfied. Sadly, that wasn’t the end of it, though, as when we looked at our luggage, we realised that we were one suitcase short so back down to reception to get the key for room number 3 where we’d accidentally left it.
As for Mrs A and what she does and doesn’t know, as far as she is concerned, I am a CDer. She has no knowledge that I have fully formed feminine identity and that’s really where the problem lies. I think she’d be mortified if she got to know the extent of ‘Amanda’s’ activities so the challenge will be to get the latitude I need to continue without burdening her with things that she really doesn’t want to know about.
Amanda,
What a wonderful ending to a great weekend.
It is a mixed bag of emotions. Wanting to be cheerfully recognized and complimented, while wanting to blend in and just be treated as another woman. You achieved both.
Your 36 hours gave you memories that will last a lifetime, and I am glad you shared them with all of us. Thank you.
To me, it is the little things that mean the most. The final look in the full length mirror before you head out, the swish of your skirt on your legs, the poise of your stature because of heels, seeing your lipstick on the wine glass, your coloured nails, using the woman’s washroom, smiling a lot, interacting with strangers, etc.
I am so happy for you. You look so beautiful.
Love you,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, thanks for your kind words.
I’ve discovered what you alluded to – something that every CDer should remember when out and about – smile and nice things happen! It was a wonderful weekend and really showed me that pretty well anything I want to do is possible. And the way that others reacted was heartwarming; of course not everyone was a Basma or gift shop lady but getting service with a smile gives such a wonderful feeling of acceptance and, unsurprisingly, I never tire of it.
Now I just need to figure out how to top it!
Amanda, I understand your dilemma about “lies of omission” to your spouse. I have the same gnawing in my gut when I tell her where I’m going, but not that I’m going in a dress and heels.
That said, I am so happy for you to have had this experience! Your outfit is feminine without being garish, I like the jumper (sweater in the US!). You handled the dirty look from the Primark girl well, just let it roll off and focus on the positive interactions.
Who knows what the future will bring you? Enjoy the present and savor the memories of the past. While I have not had any opportunity to get out since April, I appreciate the times that I was able to express myself as Tina. This is the reason I continue to search for the next outing, even if it takes months or (ugh) years.
Tina, thank you for your encouragement!
The funny thing about the Primark Scowler was that she looked to be a teenager who are normally the most accepting. At least I can have a warm glow from the satisfaction of knowing that I gave her something to scowl about!
The whole spousal thing is a real dilemma and, like you, I think that I’ll always have that gut gnawing feeling because, to keep this away from her, there will always be a feeling that I’m keeping stuff from her. In the end, I try to appease myself by being the best husband possible for the rest of the time.
Tina, I have not dresses since January. It is so difficult for the desire to be there but not the opportunity.
I had the opportunity to spend 5 days in Sedona Arizona as Gracie full time. It included flying pretty on the way there. Like you, it was a wonderful experience. I noticed nothing but acceptance, and if there was a smirk or two, I was too oblivious to notice. However, my wife was well aware that I was Gracie the whole time, although she probably assumed that I was in drab while flying. She is less than enthusiastic about my time spent out and about en-femme. She always tells me to be careful, which means don’t let anyone we know recognize you. Her concern is understandable since many have unaccepting attitudes and it could affect some of her friendships. It was a most enjoyable break, and, like you, teh experience left me wanting more. Thank you for sharing your adventure with us, Amanda.
Gracie, thank you for sharing your experience. As you say, it’s truly wonderful to do this and not only realise that no one cares (and many go out of their way to be accepting) but also to feel that nothing is being hidden – we’re just out and proud to (mis)use a cliche.
I completely get why wives are concerned; when I first came out to Mrs A 12 years ago, she was devastated and her friends knew that something was wrong and tried to get her to tell them what it was. She refused and told me that she kept quiet so that they wouldn’t laugh at me. It sounds callous, I know, but it was just recreational CDing in those days and, regardless of whether that would have been the reaction, I can see her point. In the end, wives didn’t ask for this and I think we have to treasure every sign of acceptance, however small and understand the impact that our revelations can have on them.
And as for wanting more – me too!
Amanda, since I first got to know you online, we shared so many things in common. How we felt about our feminine side, and the conflict with our wives knowing about this side of us. This is not something we can be “cured” of or a passing fancy. When we are out as our presenting as a woman, we do not feel like a man in a dress. We immerse our self in being female, trying to be the best woman we can be. We are not trying to hurt our loved ones, but we need to be true to ourselves.
We had a wonderful experience, and you looked lovely in your outfits. I think your feminine presentation was very natural and I love that your confidence is growing. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
I will get a chance to express myself as Julie in early January in Palm Spring California. I plan to dress for two or three days. I will meet up with two other girls, my dear friends Angela and Tina. I so enjoy my time there, it is a very trans friendly city. I have a new hairstyle I am trying out as well as some new outfits. I just hope I have as nice a time as you had.
The mixed feeling over how my wife feels about this is difficult, but this is who I am. I do not feel ashamed of who I am and feel comfortable in both my gender presentation.
You are a wonderful person Amanda and I am so glad to know you.
Hugs Julie
Julie, thank you for your kind word and you’re right about us sharing so many things in common.
Confidence is a strange thing (!) and I do wonder whether I have grown in confidence or just unleashed what was always there but impeded by doubt and fear. What has surprised me most is that I now want to actively seek opportunities to interact with others, a trait that is definitely not present in my introverted male side. I’m sure a psychologist would have a field day with that particular revelation but whatever the underlying reason, it makes living this side of my life truly wonderful. And like you I am no longer ashamed of this side of me, in fact I have a strong sense of pride both from finally being able to measure up to my aspirations and also from trying to be as respectful as possible to women in the way that I conduct this side of my life.
Palm Springs sounds like it’s going to be amazing – I bet you can’t wait!
Amanda,
You raise a very interesting question , have you grown in confidence or have you gradually unleashed a hidden side of you ?
I know I prefer what I have become as Teresa but unlike you my male side wasn’t introverted , my photography business pushed me into places and situations many people wouldn’t normally go , exciting and stessful in equal measures . I do feel that experience has enhanced me lifestyle as Teresa which is now wonderful to combine with a female way of life .
How wives and partners deal with the revelation can be unpredicatable , often they feel alone and isolated not daring to tell anyone fearing the consequences . All we can do is support them if they do need to talk to who they choose if it helps them , sometimes the outcome can be surprising when they discover other people have lived with a CDer for years .
My introversion comes, I think, from a combination of an overbearing mother, being an only child quite happy with my own company and a need to think about things before expressing an opinion rather than just shoot from the hip which was a trait of most of my colleagues in my banking career. I’m fine with people I know, particularly on a one to one basis but really don’t enjoy going to places where I don’t know anyone. What has surprised me about the evolution of my feminine side is that I actively seek interactions, probably because I’m hoping for service with a smile or even a nice comment.
I also wonder whether, in the sort of situation that guy me finds uncomfortable, girl me would feel more at home particularly if people gravitated towards me even if only out of interest for my particular situation.
Hi Amanda it was wonderful that you had another great time out and about. And it pretty much sounds like another successful day. And that make me feel great! Well done girl.
Regarding your wife’s retirement I would love to fill you in on what transpired when my wife retired. So when it draws near let me know and I will fill you in either here or via email as to how out talk went and what we ended up agreeing on.
Have a great weekend my friend. I’ve got a 4 hour trip to Vancouver tomorrow for the Gurls in the Burbs annual Christmas party. So this year I bought a Christmas dress. I think I’ll do a post on the party once I return home. With no trips down south thanks to Trump I’ve gone to very few trans conferences. So that’s my excuse. Take care.
Trish ❤️💋
Trish, thank you! It was a wonderful weekend and it really felt like a second coming of age. What was particularly interesting was that to many I was to all intents and purposes invisible, just another anonymous face in the crowd, and yet those for whom I was very visible seemed universally accepting (with the possible exception of the Primark Scowler!) and, in some cases, enthusiastically so. I’ve been out a couple of times since and had a few more affirming encounters; I’ve discovered that smiling (not hard when you’re so happy) seems to set the scene and nice things often happen as a result.
I hope you have a fantastic time in Vancouver!