By Amanda J.
Back in November 2022, I wrote a post called ‘Hooray, I’m Cured’ in which I documented a long hiatus in my feminine presentation which had already lasted from 19 May that year with only one lapse on 8 September, a date burned into my memory as it was also the day that we lost our queen. In the end, that hiatus was to last until early January 2023 when I resumed regular dressing.
On a number of occasions, I’ve also mentioned that I have a Word document full of posts in varying stages of completion – some waiting to be finished off and others going nowhere – and one post in that collection was to be entitled ‘I’m Quitting Crossdressing’. That post was to be a contrived ramble through the idea that clothing should not be considered either male or female and we should just treat whatever we wear as ‘our’ clothing. Without the male or female labels, clothes have no gender, crossdressing has no meaning and we can wear whatever we like.
But in a roundabout way, both of those posts have gone full circle – one as a result of history repeating itself, albeit under different circumstances, and the other as its title has now taken on a more literal meaning.
I’m sure that many have envied my situation in recent times. Having the house to myself for six days a week and a DADT arrangement with Mrs A has meant that I’ve been able to get dressed & made up as soon as I’ve got up in the morning and then spend the whole day in a state of absolute bliss, perhaps even going into the outside world to get the full experience of womanhood. I’ve looked in the mirror in a state of disbelieving euphoria as I see a smiling woman looking back at me and have delighted in the sensuality of the whole male to female transformation experience and the assault on the senses that it engenders. With the growing reassurance that I can transform myself to the extent that few, other than those who encounter me at close quarters, would suspect a thing, I have made plans for the future – trying on clothes in shops, coming out to a friend, having a girls’ night out, checking into a hotel and so on – all in girl mode needless to say.
But then a few things changed. My son left home for university last autumn and, in May, returned home for a minimum of a few months but possibly longer. My daughter then decided to end her overseas adventure and has also returned home for an indeterminate period. In other words, having the house to myself is rapidly turning into a dim and distant memory and, as both of them are oblivious to my female side (or at least I think they are), I have no idea when the opportunity to unleash the inner woman will present itself again.
Now anyone who’s ever tried to quit CDing knows how hard it is. In fact most will tell you that it’s impossible. Whilst that may be true, having that repeatedly told to you is little comfort when you’re trying to manage urges that you can no longer deal with in the obvious manner. And that’s when the decision not to CD is voluntary as it was in 2022; what about the situation where circumstances force it? The last thing I need to hear is that I’m going to be experiencing uncontrollable urges on a 24/7 basis when I won’t be able to either stop them or deal with them in the traditional way.
I have to say that I’ve been dreading this for some time. I’m already semi-retired and Mrs A is looking to follow suit and so the glory days were always going to end at some stage. I just hadn’t envisaged the end coming as soon and abruptly as it did. But something strange has happened.
If there’s one thing that characterises all of us, it’s the fact that, try as we might, we are completely unable to explain why we do this. What makes a guy, normal in every respect, wake up with an uncontrollable desire to transform himself into his feminine alter ego? I’ve thought about this a lot; sure, I love the feel of the clothes and the way that they make their presence felt – the tug of bra straps, the slightly constricting feeling of hosiery, the way that a skirt makes its presence felt as I walk, the strain on my leg muscles exerted by high heels, the sensation of being caressed by unfamiliarly long hair and so on. I could continue ad nauseum but I know that I’m preaching to the converted here!
And then there’s the cherry on top of the cake – walking up to the mirror and seeing ‘her’ in all her glory. Euphoria when I once again see the person I’ve long dreamed of being with just a hint of sadness that ‘trans’ here means ‘transitory’ and time limited. I never tire of that moment and the ‘big reveal’ still has the same profound effect on me as it did the first time.
But as we all know, unleashing the inner woman takes time and effort. Women use makeup to enhance their beauty; we use it to cover the ravages of testosterone. A quick flick of the mascara wand and a dab of lip gloss may suffice for them but nothing less than a full face of makeup does the job for us. And combine that with the faff of having to remove every last trace of it a few hours later and we start to think the unthinkable.
Without a doubt, CDing makes me happy, particularly when I can step through my front door and out into the world. But it also raises a dilemma; when Mrs A agreed to DADT, did she in any way envisage that I would do more than just sit at home for a few hours? I would like to think that she would look on ‘Amanda’ as respectful and a worthy participant in the female world but that’s a forlorn hope when ‘Amanda’ is simultaneously both the person she fell in love with and anything but the person she fell in love with. And the reality is that DADT, far from assuaging the guilt I feel when I’m doing things behind my wife’s back, can actually compound my problems as I try to deal with the conflict between my own desire to be out and proud and my knowledge of the limits to what would be deemed acceptable if it became known.
Against that background, it’s fair to say that, as 2024 dawned, I was starting to have second thoughts, not about who I am but rather on the extent to which I felt comfortable openly expressing that side of me within the concessions that Mrs A had given me. That in itself was already starting to deter me from retrieving the stash but other factors started to come into play too.
My CDing has always been a product of opportunity and lack of conflicting pressures. Waking up to an empty house with nothing on the agenda for the day was like a dream come true. But there was a catch. Whilst the house was indeed empty, there was plenty on the agenda; I just couldn’t be bothered doing any of it! Important jobs around the house were being neglected and attention was not being paid to the family business, both with very adverse consequences. And in the same way that the dawn of 2024 heralded second thoughts about the extent to which I wanted to take my feminine side, it also heralded the realisation that I needed to get a grip on life before things became irretrievable.
Ironically, that realisation hit me when I was fully dressed and made up. I’ve already talked about the euphoria of seeing ‘her’ in the mirror and one day in early May was no exception. Everything felt amazing as it always does and there was absolutely no reason why I could not remain in my feminine persona for the rest of the day. But, by lunchtime, a little voice was telling me that other things needed my attention and, after one last lingering look in the mirror, I went into the bedroom and started to remove everything. It was particularly significant because I knew that that was likely to be the last opportunity I’d have before the kids started returning home and yet that knowledge wasn’t enough to sway me to postpone everything else till the next day.
And now, as I write this, I wonder when the next time will be. But that question is driven not only through not knowing when I’ll have an empty house again because the fact is that my kids will go out from time to time and Mrs A still works full time but also from not knowing when I will feel the need again.
I’ve been in this situation before. Immediately after I promised to quit in 2014, circumstances dictated that I needed to regularly stay away from home and yet, whilst I did think about it and had plenty of opportunity, deep down I had no desire to go through with things and, other than a couple of wobbles, I kept my promise until the dam burst in 2019. But there’s a fundamental difference between how I felt about my feminine side then and how I feel about it now. Then, I was desperate to rid myself of every last feminine thought and desire for the sake of my marriage; nowadays I accept who I am and whilst I may not show any outward signs of the inner woman, she’s still constantly in my thoughts. And more or less every day, I look at a selection of my photos with a real sense of pride. That I have finally been able to uncover the persona I dreamed of blows my mind and whilst I will almost certainly never take things any further than I already have, what I have achieved is a long way further than I ever dared think about.
I have to say that the whole situation puzzles me but perhaps the biggest comfort in all of this is knowing that I’m by no means alone and I guess it just goes with the territory. I was looking through the photos of another girl who I once followed on Flickr just last night and she, too, had gone through similar. Ironically, she has also taken the name ‘Amanda’ for her feminine side and this is what she had to say on the matter:
“ Recently, I had a prolonged “Amanda hiatus.” Perhaps you’ve experienced this occurrence, where your inner girl goes dormant – sometimes for no particular reason, sometimes for all the right reasons, and sometimes for the wrong ones.
Would Amanda return? I knew intellectually she would, but that didn’t diminish the sadness I felt at her absence.”
That’s an interesting slant on the whole issue. This Amanda (search ‘Miss Amanda Nicole’ on Flickr to see her photostream and accompanying thoughts) achieves amazing transformations and, by her own admission, has transformed from ‘ugly duckling’ to ‘beautiful swan’. I’m sure that many who see her photos struggle to understand why she hasn’t transitioned to full time woman and so the question of why she would, even subconsciously, walk away from this side of her life is almost incomprehensible, particularly when she talks of the sadness of doing so. Do I feel sadness? Not yet if I’m honest but, despite everything, I do feel a gap in my life and miss ‘her’ and like the other Amanda, I know intellectually that she will return and perhaps then I will lament her absence. I can only hope that when that day comes there will be no barriers to giving her the space to spread her wings once more. But for now, having well & truly blown my mind, she’s taking a well-earned rest.
As with all of my posts, I’ve two thousand words to cover something that others here could say in one tenth of that but there is an important point to make. At the beginning, I talked about the well meaning souls who try to reassure us that ‘it never goes away’ but this can sometimes make us feel that we are committing a heresy by not flying the CDer flag at all times. We do this to be ourselves and, as I found out between 2014 & 2019, denial of who we are ultimately works to our detriment. But it equally works the other way – forcing ourselves when we’re just not feeling it can be equally detrimental – when I look in the mirror and see the blonde in stilettos with too much makeup smiling back, I want to feel that euphoria every single time and not just have a ‘been there, done that, bought the T-shirt’ sort of moment.
So far from resenting the fact that my house is no longer empty during the daytime, I can look forward to all of the other things in life that had previously been pushed to one side. We already have a completely remodelled bathroom and our garden is starting to look more like a garden and less like a neglected weed farm (for avoidance of doubt, here ‘weed’ is used in its traditional horticultural meaning and not to suggest that we’ve been growing things we shouldn’t have). Our family business is once again moving in the right direction and the frustrations of life that once would have caused me to retrieve the stash and lose myself for a few hours have melted away, at least to some degree.
A couple of paragraphs ago, I talked about being made to feel that I was committing a ‘heresy’ by having a break from CDing and, as I draw this post to a close, I can’t help feeling that the last thing that a CD-themed blog (or to be more accurate, THE CD-themed blog) needs is someone flying the flag for not CDing. But the message here is more nuanced than that; it’s about cherishing all aspects of who we are and living life on our own terms. I know that the next time I retrieve my stash and transform myself once more, those amazing euphoric feelings will once again engulf me; it just that, as I write this, I don’t know when that moment will be. But until the moment when I have both opportunity and will does come, I’m going to take, and more importantly enjoy, every day as it comes.
And that just leaves the question of Amanda’s virtual world. The sad truth is that as her male alter ego’s life has taken more prominence, the brain that we both share has found it more challenging to think as she would think. Posts here that would once flow with ease now take much more effort. Or to put it another way, it’s much easier to think like a woman, or at least a CDer, when you look or at least feel like one! That’s not to say that I’m walking away from Kandi’s Land, because I’m not, but just to give a ‘heads up’ that, for now, I may not be as noticeable here as I’ve previously been.
But with this post being number 49 for me, the last thing I’d want is to leave number 50 in abeyance. Other than declaring that I’ve wanted number 50 to be special for a while, I won’t say any more not least as whilst it is one of the more complete ones in the aforementioned Word document, it still needs to go through a couple of iterations before I submit it for publication. And luckily, the nature of it is such that it doesn’t need me to be in the mood to get all tarted up to finish it!
18 Responses
Dear Friend,
I would be extremely worried about you if I read a short post from you. Your 2,000+ posts are beauty to my eyes. Anything shorter would imply that you are seriously hurting. Albeit my brain begins to hurt if I read anything greater than 200 words all at one time.
I am constantly amazed at how you are able to pour out your heart and soul to all of us. Your openness brings me closer to you, dear friend.
Life’s circumstances affects everyone in different ways. Our inner being: male, female or somewhere in between, manifests each of us in different ways. You be you, and I’ll be me.
But always know that whatever you do, dressed however you are, Jocelyn will be beside Amanda. And Mr. J will be beside Mr. A.
Please be happy.
Love,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, thank you as always for your support and friendship. I shall do my best to avoid any worries or concerns by making doubly sure that my posts contain at least 2000 words from now on!
As far as this post is concerned, I tried to include an important message. For most of us, all of this adds a lot of complexity to our lives which, given the choice, many of us would quite happily do without. But in the same way that it’s important that we don’t try to suppress it (been there, done that), it’s also important that we don’t try to force it when, for whatever reason, we’re just not feeling it. When I look in the mirror, I want to see the inner woman smiling back, not just male me in a dress and I know from experience that forcing the issue ramps up the risk of the latter considerably. Coping with all of this is never easy, particularly when circumstances conspire against us, but as I’ve come to realise, sometimes we just have to look to other facets of our lives to provide a welcome distraction during those times.
Most important of all, though, is there will be absolutely no purging – I’ve made the mistake of interpreting a lack of desire as a permanent ‘cure’ several times in the past and it never ended well!
Amanda,
When we question the possibility of CDing going away for good we must consider what drives that basic need , no it’s not about the clothes in this respect it’s more what we feel inside when the transformation occurs . Often it’s a balancing act between appeasing others and allowing part of us to emerge to satisfy and validate a female side .
Like you I’ve also been there and lived with family coming and going with little cocern or knowledge of my femme side but interestingly a friend’s comment made me think about my family by saying , ” what makes you think they don’t have something to hide “. It’s very easy to think it’s all about us when others could have a hidden agenda , do you really think they don’t know about you , is it possible your wife might have taken them into her confidence , or perhaps a close friend ? At some point it comes to the dilemma of considering do I tell them before they could find out from another source , a misplaced picture , neighbours catching a glimpse , in my case my daughter caught me ironing a dress she knew didn’t belong to my wife so I told her the full story . I told my son when we talked about our marriage separation , in both case i tried to keep it as unbiased as possible , we mustn’t underestimate them , they might be our children but also they are adults , at some point we must treat them as such and show we respect them for being so .
So how can you break this hiatus ? Although my wife didn’t wish to see me she understood I needed an outlet , I was surprised she accepted that fact and agreed to me going to a social group but then she also had to consider this was suggested through my gender counsellor , perhaps she thought it would give me a balance and possibly retain me as a husband .
Even though I no longer attend social groups they are the best and safest way to be YOU even if it is for a limited time but at least you get to talk to CDers / transgender people and just as important their wives or partners . I find it quite revealing how much some wives enjoyed the meetings , at least they could also dress the nines and have a great night out .
I appreciate how hard it is , often sitting on the fence fearing to place a foot on either side , life is full of regrets , all I know is when I pushed myself a step further I regretted it less , even now after my divorce life is better I have very little to regret . It’s wrong to feel selfish about being free because it also allowed my ex-wife the freedom to live her life freely without the the worry of living with a transgender husband .
Teresa, thank you for sharing your thoughts. The point here is that I’m quite happy – or to be more accurate, not unhappy – with the situation as it is. Of course, I’d be lying if I denied feeling the urge sometimes but, at present, those feelings are very transitory and everything is quickly back on an even keel once more. I do have contingencies if the situation changes but for now have no need to invoke them.
What’s important here is to take every day as it comes and not try to either force things or interpret the hiatus as being anything more than it actually is – a hiatus!
As I have lived through many a hiatus, I’ve come to view them not as obstacles but as just part of the life of a closeted CD/TG. I spend much of my non-dressing time thinking about when my next opportunity will arise, not knowing if it is to come in one month or six or twelve! My wife is essentially retired and doesn’t drive, so being able to haul out the stash and transform does not happen often.
But I do still have this outlet for myself to share with you all, so be prepared for a new set of posts about my recent couple of days getting out into the summer heat (no beach or bikini for me though).
Tina, that’s very true. At present, I look on my stash in very much the same way as I look at the ‘in case of fire, break glass’ thingies on office walls – I have no intention of using them but they’re always ready if the situation demands it!
What I’ve come to realise is that whilst the inner woman is an important part of who I am, she’s not the totality of me. I think that many of us think it would be nice not to have the constraints that we do but, in the end, those constraints are placed by other aspects of our lives that are more important to us.
And I’m looking forward to the forthcoming posts already!
Amanda, as I peruse many CD-themed posts, it always stirs my “inner Claire” when I read one the feels so close to how I feel and how my life has unfolded, that I could have written the same piece, although not nearly as elegantly as you do. Like you, I have had many periods when I’ve tried to step away (but always come back), and to pack up for a while when the kids came home for extended visit. My wife and I both retired 4 years ago (COVID casualties that never went back). I was pretty sure our new life meant the end of Claire. I have found opportunities to enjoy being Claire and ways to relieve my need to express that side of me when there aren’t opportunities (like reading and responding to CD-related l posts 🙂 ). And sometimes, when the opportunity comes around, I just don’t have the desire. But it’s all OK. I enjoy my time as Claire, even if I’m not in a dress. Keep writing. I enjoy your posts!!
Claire, thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and for your kind words. It’s often hard having to step away, not least because the transformations get better the more we do them and, certainly as far as I’m concerned, what used to be a pile of clothes in a bag is now approaching a fully fledged person who it’s quite easy to miss when she’s not around. I think your point about finding alternative ways to live the life is spot on and great advice for anyone who finds themself unable to deal with their urges in a more visual way.
Thank you again.
Hi Amanda, thanks so much for the wonderful post. As usual very interesting and entertaining. Your posts are always a great read.
We can all relate to what may becoming up for you and myself in particular. When my wife’s retirement was looming on the horizon I didn’t know what to do or say. I ran my business from from home and she worked in the city so I was able to dress pretty much when I wanted and suntan in my bikini by the pool in the summers so I knew this would be all coming to an end. She had started to accept Trish a little and told me she was ok with me dressing at home but did not want me venturing out in public. I think it was mostly because she thought I would look like a boy wearing girls clothes. So I decided it was time for the talk.
So we did and basically I told her that she didn’t want me going out as Trish nor did she want to see Trish but when I dressed there was no way she could avoid seeing Trish. So what are we going to do? She thought for a while and finally said why don’t you go to Vancouver dressed as Trish like you did back when you worked for Inland. Then you could meet people like you too and I won’t see you.
Well, her retirement ended up being a blessing in disguise because it led to me joining three Trans social groups and meeting so many wonderful friends as well as leading to her acceptance of Trish going out to various functions with her blessing. As well it lead to my finding two girls who lived in my home town that I meet with frequently at our fav pub after shopping.
So I guess what I’m saying is don’t worry too much about what’s coming Mrs J may surprise and maybe even your kids.
From hear on I will be waiting with bated breath to hear how it all goes and my thoughts and prayers will be with you girl 🥰.
Trish ❤️
Trish, thank you for your kind words. The reassuring thing here is that whilst we all have a common bond, each of us approaches it in a different way that works for us and we’re not bound by the constraints of a single approach that either works or doesn’t. I particularly liked your positive slant on something which many of us view as potentially negative – your wife’s retirement which you described as a blessing in disguise. The bottom line is that if we wish to preserve the non-inner woman elements of our life (which most of us prioritise above ‘her’) then we need firstly to accept compromise and secondly look for the positives rather than just seeing only negatives.
from reading the above I conclude that all of the writers are of an age where there was minimal info about or acceptance of us growing up.I have zero sympathy for any young person in these circumstances as they knew better but just lied to their new wife.
Saying that I am a bit different from the above folks. When the CD scene became more clear I just sucked it up as I had a wonderful marriage I would not lay Emily on my wife. My wife passed 20 years ago and after a long period of grief I moved on to the CD chapter of my life. I spent ONE day dressing at home and since then dressing means going out as a woman (a lot) .
Now my new concern is how do I cope with this when my age / health inhibits my CD activity? What if I need to enter an assisted living facility? Food for thought for all of us
Emily, you’re definitely right about my age – soon to be 64 – and the acceptability of all things trans when I was growing up. However it wasn’t this that guided my decision not to disclose to my wife when we met in the early ’90s but, rather, a deep seated belief that by CDing activities were driven by a lack of females in my life (I was never particularly successful on the dating scene) and, now having met someone who ‘fitted the bill’ so to speak, those desires went away. I suspect that, despite the far more accepting society in which we now live, those emotions persist and the same mistakes that I, and many like me, made are still widespread.
It’s tricky for all of us and, as you rightly point out, there will always be challenges to be faced.
Trish,
As I mentioned social groups are a good compromise , for one thing it’s safety in numbers , also wives can surprise us with going along with idea . The problem was it awakened a deeper need in me , I discovered the full truth in my needs .
Emily ,
Is it fair to consider ” zero sympahy ” , it takes time to discover truth about yourself , often the penny only drops with maturity , besides we aren’t the only ones that may withhold the truth , my wife kept things from me before we married . All I can admit to is being naive about my needs when we married , I thought it was something I would grow out of not expecting the need to grow .
I don’t feel it’s fair to lay blame at anyone’s door if you’re transgender with gender dysphoria , in that case our brains are wired differently at birth , if you want to lay blame then it’s down to nature so there’s nothing we can do about the situation .
I’m now fulltime but I do wonder if I can sustain my appearance with age but then I’ve formerly changed my name and gender marker so I don’t have a choice .
Amanda,
I currently live alone after a divorce for non-CD related reasons. While married with kids, I found it almost impossible to have more than a few hours of “me time”, just too many obligations to deal with. My ‘stash’ was extremely small. Medical issues near the end of that relationship caused me to switch to woman’s panties and women’s shoes.
During the decade following the divorce, when I couldn’t find what I wanted in the men’s department, I purchased from the women’s. That opened the door to obtaining clothes that I always wanted to wear but were only available in women’s wear.
Now I investigate women’s wear first. My walk-in closet is more than 80% ‘female’ and I mostly wear 90% women’s. I only wear panties (mostly thongs), women’s shoes, and women’s pants (trousers for you Brits). I no longer have the urge to get dolled up and dress to the nines. I rarely do a complete face, but will frequently have mascara on, and at times some shadow. (I just love makeup, especially mascara. If it was acceptable for professional men to have ‘eyes’ I would have exquisite ‘eyes’.) Having painted nails 24/7/365, getting my legs, bikini, brows waxed, and dressing as a woman (without dresses or skirts) helps satisfy my urges.
I have found out that when I am stressed out, wearing a bra helps to calm me down and allows me to concentrate on the task(s) at hand. Living alone allows me the opportunity to wear a bra or corset whenever I want to. In winter, a big puffy jacket allows me to wear my bra running errands.
However, there are periods where I am not into my eyes or my breast. Maybe life gets too busy, maybe the stars are not aligned right, who knows. The urge wains but always comes back.
Amanda, I’m very glad to hear you are not purging. The only results purging brings is regret. Hopefully, Mrs. A will allow more space for Amanda to thrive in retirement. And your kids fine opportunities and gives you some alone time.
Cali
Cali, I love the way you approach this. We often talk about the unfairness of the situation where men are restricted to men’s clothes but women can wear what they like but the truth here is that women have no problem with picking up something they want to wear regardless of which department it came from. In the end we, on the other side of the fence, should equally be fine with wearing what we want, regardless of provenance and the truth is that, for the most part, we can as you have demonstrated. Over the years, I have seen many CDers ranging from those for whom only close scrutiny (usually the voice) is the giveaway to those who are unashamedly ‘blokes in dresses’ complete with facial hair. And yet no one seems to care.
As you always demonstrate, we have to live life on our terms – we only get one shot at it, after all.
Amanda,
A short reply to say that your honesty is what we all need from you. No two of us are identical, yet we share many similar thoughts and feelings. My most poignant takeaway from this post was not in the original, but rather one of your replies to Teresa, in which you said, “I’m quite happy – or to be more accurate, not unhappy…” as someone turning her focus back to things other than herself.
My truth is that Lisa (that is, me) takes up an awful lot of my brain, probably because I suppressed her for so long that she cries out often now for release. In fact, I sometimes think she takes up nearly my whole brain most of the time. But others in my life need the male me. For that reason, I’m willing to be “not unhappy” for periods of time, as needed, as long as my brain doesn’t explode along the way!
Keep posting, my friend,
Lisa
Lisa, thank you! The irony, of course, is that we have to navigate a lot of dishonesty in what we do, from presenting ourselves as something that many in society would declare that we’re not to either lying or being economical with the truth to those around us. I also suspect that many of us find it difficult to talk honestly when we don’t have a clue about what’s driving the whole thing – today, my honest declaration may be that I’m hovering around the boundaries of transition whereas tomorrow I could be completely happy as I am and what on earth was I thinking?!
I’m happy to be not unhappy with the current situation; it’s not ideal and there have been times during the gap between writing the post and it being published that I have known that, had things been different, I would have succumbed to the urges. But things are as they are and the fact that I have been able to see positives bodes well for the future.
Lisa,
Sadly for me the situation was more black and white because I sank into the black hole of depression , somedays happiness felt it existed on another planet .
Amanda is possibly lucky in that respect , she is at ease with her level of happiness , I’m sure she would agree somedays it could be better especially if the opportunity arose to be Amanda .
Personally I’m in a good place now because I’ve found what makes me truly happy and thankfully without too many strings attached but saying that I’m not a selfish person in fact I help and care for more people now as Teresa than I did as a man .