By Lisa P.
An article by Ellen (“Ellie”) Krug in a magazine I saw entitled “Transgender Persons: Understanding Human Authenticity” got me thinking. Ellie said in that article that she had married her soul mate (a high school classmate), gone to law school, remained married for 32 years, adopted two beautiful daughters, owned a house in the best neighborhood in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, had a country club membership and had her own civil trial firm (and successful trial practice). She fought dysphoria her entire life and finally had a moment of truth imagining herself on her deathbed. She said she realized that although she had all the love she needed and personal riches to go with it, she would always think of herself as a coward for not being her authentic (female) self. Her mantra became “human authenticity will not leave you alone until you listen to it.” I found her book on the subject, Getting to Ellen, both interesting and disquieting. She writes extremely well and you may wish to read it yourself to learn the full story from her own pen.
I also heard an interview on National Public Radio of Paula Stone Williams, the evangelical pastor who transitioned and now leads Left Hand Church in Colorado (among other things). She has written a book called “As a Woman” (published by Simon & Shuster and available on Amazon) about what transitioning has taught her about the male power structure. It too is extremely well-written and readable and is highly recommended, especially but not exclusively if you are a person of faith.
The words Paula uses in her book relating to this question of authenticity are: “living is serious business, and we are pilgrims, called by our better angels to live authentically.” With that backdrop, it is not surprising to hear Paula say in the NPR interview that she had left her marriage because she needed to live authentically. Paula described the final meeting with her marriage therapist, who told her and her wife that they were among the 1% of couples who make it as far as they had. But, the therapist also observed that Paula is a lesbian, and her wife is not, so it just couldn’t work for them to remain married. That statement hit me particularly hard, because I have no physical attraction to men myself (indeed, I am only interested in an intimate relationship with my wife), and because my wife actually said to me during one of our heart-to-hear talks, that “I am not a lesbian, and I can’t think of myself that way.” I understand her dilemma — you can’t have two women in a sexual relationship if one of them doesn’t want an intimate relationship with a woman.
Back to Ellie’s mantra, which Paula’s interview comments and book excerpt would seem to support:
I admit that I can’t dispute at least part of her statement. My gender dysphoria definitely won’t leave me alone. I must rhetorically ask, however, whether I must listen to it (which would require transitioning) simply because it won’t leave me alone.
There is more to my life than listening to whatever is demanding my attention, inwardly or outwardly. When I got married, not only did I pledge my life figuratively to my new wife, but I also made a promise in my heart, that I have never told anyone (including her). I told myself that if my love was real, I would be willing to sacrifice my life for hers. I didn’t mean that in a figurative sense. I meant that I told myself that I would actually allow myself to die if that protected the love of my life. That promise has left me willing to do anything for my wife. And, while I wish she wouldn’t have asked me to do it, she asked me to stay in the closet as a transgender person. Admittedly, it just about kills me at times, as dysphoria can and does demand a lot of attention. I live with pain, both physically and mentally. But (and this is a big “but”), I will never regret for a minute staying married to my wife, because I love her and I am continuing to follow an overarching principle that is one of my life’s guiding lights. It may be that the stress of being in the closet will cause me to die prematurely (in fact, I would say that outcome is possible, as my doctors tell me that my current ailments are made more acute by stress). Yet, I will not stray from my determination to stick by the promise I made to myself.
In seeking some further understanding of authenticity, I recently read an essay by Christopher Collins entitled “The Five Qualities of an Authentic Person.” Collins writes about what it means to live authentically (note that the essay was not written specifically for a TG audience). His short essay defined authentic in multiple ways, but the author’s favorite was: “representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified.” I like that definition because it emphasizes that a person can be authentic even if she is not representing her true nature as long as she is representing her true beliefs. I know I have been true to my beliefs even if those beliefs cause me to not be true to my nature.
I should add that Collins’ essay goes on to say that if you desire authenticity you should: (i) be true to yourself, (ii) think inward, look outward, (iii) treat others with kindness and respect, (iv) live in the moment and be a great listener, and (v) be open-minded and fair to opportunities and people. The great thing about that formulation is that we can do all those things whether we transition or not. I see Kandi living that way, and I think I do it as well. Fundamentally, that means we can choose to live authentically even when we present in male mode, don’t tell others about who we are as women or even live full-time as women.
We all know that our fundamental nature is immutable; being transgender is not our choice. As Ellie and Paula, Kandi and I would all say: “I am real.” Because I am real, I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect for who I am. Most importantly, I deserve to be treated as a human being, just like everyone else, and not as someone’s worst nightmare. I want that treatment for myself and for all of you who identify as transgender, regardless of how you present yourselves to the world.
My own truth is that how I live as a woman in this world is my choice. I absolutely respect, admire and applaud Ellie and Paula for living their own authenticity by transitioning. But, I couldn’t help but notice that to accomplish their goals, Ellie and Paula had to sacrifice their soul mates. They had to put their own future hopes and dreams ahead of the hopes and dreams of their soul mates. By doing that, I do think they made choices. I don’t know how their mental health would have been affected without those choices and therefore I refuse to judge either Ellie or Paula. Regardless of the reasons, for each of them, the right choice was made. Moreover, as Ellie relates, she knows that on her deathbed she will be able to say, “I did it – I lived authentically.” To further reflect her thinking, she will be able to confirm to herself that she was not a coward.
Admittedly, I will not be able to say on my deathbed that I lived completely authentically (at least not in the way Ellie defines the term). Yet, I can assure you that I will have no regrets. I know I will be able to say, “I did it – I honored the promise I made to myself and gave the love of my life, my life! Is living my true beliefs the act of a coward? I don’t think so. I may continue to lie about my true nature, but I feel incredibly powerful and even courageous for living my true beliefs, for “No greater love has a man than this: that a person would lay down his life for the sake of his friends.” My wife is my best friend and I gladly give her my life.
In the end: – “Ya gots to work with what you gots to work with.” (Stevie Wonder)
16 Responses
the brutal truth is a that the “rules” changed since marriage for us older folks and what is possible now was not then . it all boils down to how much our vows really mean.on the other hand-during the recent PBS special on LBGTQ the closet was described as a vertical coffin.
not an easy choice
Emily, thank you for that tough reply. The closet can be so stifling, but I had not thought of it as a coffin before. I suppose we end up in one of those regardless of how we choose to live out our authenticity. Lisa
Lisa,
What a powerful message.
I admit that most of the time I don’t know what to think or how to feel. You have given me so much to ponder.
Occasionally, I do think I am a coward.
I am firmly in the closet. So sad. Protecting my wife from the truth. So OK.
Thank you Lisa for sharing.
Love,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn,
Thank you for your message particularly on this day. Being out to more than 20 people, including countless unknown staff of my gym and three of my doctors who know Lisa, means I am more at risk of transgender hate than those who remain fully in the closet. Protect yourself, physically and emotionally. You have that right and are not a coward for doing so.
Lisa
Lisa, that was a fascinating and quite moving read, particularly where you cover the conflict between living for others (specifically wives) and living for oneself.
Loving a bit of controversy, I’m going to disagree with you on one point, though ;)!
You say ‘Admittedly, I will not be able to say on my deathbed that I lived completely authentically’ but I would assert that you can. As you pointed out, both Ellie & Paula lost their soul mates which, in turn, implies the breaking of marriage vows. Does that, in turn, imply inauthenticity in each of them? Not a question I intend to try to answer and I’ll leave it open for individual interpretation. You, on the other hand, have had to find a compromise between being true to yourself and true to the person you have avowed to lay down your life for and continue to live according to that compromise. You hide nothing yet give Mrs L the freedom to look the other way.
Is it inauthentic to make that compromise? Definitely not in my book!
Amanda,
I need more friends like you! We all do our very best to live well, even when it isn’t easy. Internal conflicts seem to abound for this group. Sharing how we honestly feel about those conflicts is a good step because at least we are being “real” with each other.
Lisa
I wonder, in today’s world, if couples dealing with what you and your wife are would be be as honourable, giving and courageous as you obviously are Lisa.
I am a crossdresser, I don’t suffer from dysphoria nor do I have any desire to transition. But I did tell my wife about my cross dressing before we were married. I couldn’t bring a secret like that into a marriage and I wanted to give her the chance to cut and run. Fortunately she decided to stay.
I look at how few CD’s tell there wives and after reading your post it sounds like more trans girls than not have their wants put a head of their wives. Our vows really meant something back in our day. Today I think they are just lip service. You are one amazing person Lisa and I’m glad I’m getting to know you a little better because of your posts.
Trish ❤️
Trish,
Thank you for commenting. These issues can be so hard for couples. I was 20 when I met my wife. I had hardly begun my decades long self-education on who I was, and so although I did honestly disclose my CDing before marriage, there was no way I could disclose that I was TG. I didn’t even have that term to apply to myself until decades into the future. I then stayed closeted from her on that issue to protect her, because she had told me the CDing as a concept wasn’t anything to worry about, but she didn’t want to be married to a woman. Once I figured out that I definitely am on the TG side of the spectrum and have suffered from that unresolved identity, I had to tiptoe around the issue before finally falling on the mercy of the court! She knows that she comes first and I don’t go deeper without talking to her first and listening when she says “please don’t do that.” As long as I can stay sane and alive, I want to put her first and keep honoring her no’s. Is it easy? No, it is not. Every day a new challenge awaits me, as likely is the case for each one of us.
Lisa
Lisa, I identify myself as a transwoman and I am in the closet. At home, I a live as Christina, but outside of the house I present as my AMAB self (though wearing some articles of women’s clothing). My AMAB presentation is basically societal camouflage to get me from point A to B without incident. I am always Christina in heart though, no matter how I am dressed. I am married to my soulmate. Thankfully my wife accepts me for me and I can dress as I please at home in skirts and dresses etc. But I told her early on before I started to “FULLY” come out to myself, if my dressing caused her issue, I would stop. Like you, my devotion to my wife was 1st and would always be first. If I had to suppress, I would do it as best I could.
I remember one day early on at a time where I identified myself as a CD, my frequency of dressing had started to ramp up considerably. I started to worry if this was a problem with my wife. One day I asked her, “is my dressing this much causing an issue for you?” My wife said, “actually, if you WEREN’T dressed I would be worried something was bothering you.” So, LOL, she expected me dressing. From that point forward, I haven’t worn pants in the house in 4 years. Just skirts, blouses and dresses. Just a modest, demure lady.
I am generally at peace with being a “closeted transwoman.” All that matters to me really is the validation I get from my wife. I am being true to myself, but at the same time am pragmatic and realize the “real outside world” logistical issues of presenting as a transwoman outside the house. I have decided (for me, for us) it is not worth it. But I understand for others with higher levels of dysphoria, where that is not an option. Hopefully all of us on the gender spectrum can make it work how ever you can in life. God bless you all.
-Christina
Christina,
Like you I present as a man (most of the time), but dress in women’s clothing from head to toe. I also have NAILS 24/7, and I show them. I will sometimes wear makeup especially mascara. At home I will wear a bra and sunbath in a side-tie bikini. I fell I am living as authenticity as I can in the world today. And I find this is enough to keep me happy. Which is a goal for everyone of us.
Cali
Cali,
It is good to hear that I am not the only one of us who sunbathes in a bikini. Thankfully, we have a tall fence, so I don’t think I have damaged anyone’s eyes!
Lisa
Christina,
Beautifully said. I find it interesting that our compromise is the polar opposite of yours. I live as a women outside the home (about 50% of the time) and only in my nightclothes inside the home. My bride is OK with a limited number of people knowing, but doesn’t want her friends or our neighbors to know. She knows I am extremely careful with each disclosure and almost always ask for her blessing first. The beautiful thing about your compromise is that you don’t have to lie to anyone. In contrast, I am not lying to my wife, but I’m lying to many women in my social world by not disclosing my real name and role in the community. I have now officially also lied when asked about my husband (which has occurred four times since July). It is indeed a tangled web for the likes of me. Who have I said what to? So, permit me to envy your situation just a bit, even as I celebrate the acceptance Lisa receives when she graces the outside world with her presence. Hah!
Lisa
Lisa, I know how fortunate the situation I am in with an accepting wife. And I don’t take it for granted. I think for any of us, if we can keep a marriage together, however the rules have to be, it is a good thing.
Also, when you are out and about as Lisa, if someone asks about your husband, you could just say you have a partner. No lie there. Is Lisa not a lesbian, transbian? Dealing with dual genders it is kinda tough to get that all wrapped up in your mind. For me, I consider myself a lipstick lesbian now that I have accepted myself as Trans. But again these are just labels and nothing more. My wife considers herself straight, but demisexual more than anything so the emotional bond is more important than gender per say. So, that’s how it works for us.
-Christina
Christina,
The problem is the follow up question or even pre-question has been more like, “ you haven’t talked about your husband and what he does for a living…” t
Honestly, I lie as little as possible? But sometimes it is inevitable, unless I am willing to break my promise to my wife and tell all. Frankly, I also like having relationships that are not all about my gender identity, so I guard them with a white lie.
Lisa
Lisa,
I must catch up with these authors but to me their message is clear they were authentic , true to themselves . Like them I couldn’t remain in a marriage , the bottom line is we were both being honest , The comment ” I’m not a lesbian ” was made by my ex-wife so it’s interesting to read that Paula’s therapist suggested she was lesbian , that comment rings so true with me .
Amanda comments about breaking marriage vows but the important point is marriage is a loving union not a prison sentence , people change , sadly love dies . Separation and divorce gives both parties a second chance , it can remove stress and pressure from other family members . Perhaps we should consider our wives could equally declare they are gay or they are transgender and always wanted to be male , would you lock them in a marriage of compromise , would you pressure them to remain in the closet ?
Teresa,
No one has the right to second guess how you and former wife resolved your conflicts. People are different, and so are the unions they create.
Your last question is an interesting one.my wife actually posed a variation of it to me. I would have to work through my internalized transphobia and gay phobias better, I am sure, but I honestly believe I would stay in the marriage, if my partner remained willing, as I love the emotional and intellectual support we provide to each other.
As always, I very much appreciate your comments.
Lisa