ADVANTAGES AND DUTIES

I suspect most older white guys walk around with no idea how many advantages they carry with them in their daily activities. I was reminded of that fact recently when I was pulled over while in guy mode by a highway patrol officer on a holiday weekend. I believe the officer pulling me over was using a pretext (no license plate on the front of the car, which at least 10% of the cars and trucks in that state do not have) to find out if he had probable cause to search my car for drugs. Since I had just crossed the border from another state where it is legal to buy marijuana into his state where it most definitely is not, I felt sure he was sniffing me out (pun intended). Nevertheless, he took one look at me and said, “no problem, sir, I am just going to give you a warning because you are lacking a front plate.” Then he did not even bother to give me the paper warning slip! Being old and being white and being male meant that he felt no need to question me further. My wife tells me that my deep, authoritative voice also gives me an advantage. If you read my prior essay on developing a female voice, you will note the irony in that comment!

Here’s the thing: for me, being able to move back and forth between a male and female gender presentation lets me have it both ways: I can enjoy the female life I absolutely must have, while at the same time retaining a few of the advantages of being an older male when I am forced to be a male. Indeed, my wife tells me all the time to call or interact with a technician because she believes they will take me more seriously and not try to mislead me. She also believes I will do a better job explaining the technical aspects of the problem. In contrast, she perceives they are more likely to try to take advantage of her (unless the other person is a female), especially if the matter involves a technical issue she does not completely understand. Often, she will take the first crack at addressing the issue because she knows I hate talking on the telephone. But after a particularly difficult interaction, she typically will pass the telephone to me and ask me to handle it. Afterwards, she remarks about how much better I was treated. I am sure it remains a further reason for her resisting the idea of me transitioning fully or even living completely as my female self. If I transitioned fully or lived completely as myself, the “man of the house” would not be around to take care of these types of problems. My wife, and society in general, also believes certain issues are “man issues.” For example, she will see something mechanical or technical that needs to be fixed and either ask me to do it, or if I am unavailable, ask our oldest son to do it. If all else fails, she will call a handy man she has listed in her telephone list of service providers. I should confess that I like solving my wife’s problems, particularly those of a mechanical or technical nature. By solving her problems, I am able to use some of my God-given talents to help her (making it more likely she will want to keep me around!).

I should add here that there are many stereotypes about women, including that they are not as good as men at math or as problem solvers or as leaders. In fact, we are alive during a time of social regression, where people are believing again what they tried to unlearn during the last several decades about the strict divide between men and women. Patriarchy lives.

Knowing that there is a basic belief in men as mathematicians, problem solvers and strong leaders (including by my usually progressively minded wife) makes me realize that I have internalized the concepts as well. So, regardless of whether we are encountering a permanent or temporary shift back to an even more male-dominated world, knowing my wife thinks like that and many others do as well, I feel especially responsible for my actions out in the world both as a man and as a woman. If I am presenting as a male, I make sure to support and defend women whenever I perceive they are being taking advantage of by another male. I mentor younger woman and give them advice on entering my profession. I stand up for them in meetings and push back when someone remarks that their voice is insufficiently assertive or that they do not “command the room” or will not be able to manage an account adroitly. I also support my wife 100% in deciding for herself whether to work and how much. If I am presenting as a female, I make sure I am fully attuned to situations where “mansplaining” is occurring to me or when an assumption of physical or mental weakness is made about me. If I can do so (usually I find myself too cautious and unwilling to act), I push back against these small ways in which women are belittled. I have been proud of myself when I have spoken up and defended my right to have an opinion (and that my opinion is better supported by the facts).

It has not always been easy to stand my ground. This past year I was skiing one day as Lisa. There was a queue for the ski lift that (dangerously) snaking directly across a ski run for expert skiers (i.e., folks who move extremely fast). I explained to the others in line that if all of us moved uphill, we could lead the queue away from the danger zone. As soon as I had received broad consent from the group for my sensible suggestion, however, a bellicose male announced that it was unnecessary to move. He stood his ground directly in the run and no one followed my lead. I have a sneaky suspicion that he simply wanted to show the “little old lady” who was boss. And of course it worked, leaving me little room to take on this bully. Perhaps you have either seen or experienced something similar.

Then there is the whole area of how men talk about women when there are no  women around (at least the men do not think there are any women around!). When I am cross dressing as a male I hear comments that are sexist, simplistic, unrealistic, unfair, and (too often) crude. That happened often when I was still using men’s changing rooms at the gymnasium, but it also happened when out with the “guys” drinking. The advantage alpha males have in this situation is that they can claim to speak for the group, and typically the group nods in assent.

I often asked myself what my responsibility was in those locker-room style situations. If the comment had anything to do with my wife or family, I tended to push back hard. But I wish I could tell you that I always stood up, objected, and took on the alpha male who typically made these (often loud) proclamations. In truth, unless it concerned my family, I rarely felt comfortable pushing back in these situations. The whole point of being an alpha male is to dominate everyone else, and someone like me who only pretended to be a strong male to protect myself and my family rarely could sustain the bravado when trying to protect a third party. My timidity was always compounded by my “secret,” because if I defended women too strongly, I might be perceived as too girly myself. Instead, I typically would harbor the grievance of the moment and later unload on my wife about how ridiculous some men can be.

Since we are TG/CD community, I would not be telling the whole story if I did not mention that I have also experienced advantages being a woman. For example, women (especially older women like most of us), are perceived as non-threatening. We can approach mothers with babies and people with their pooches, and we are allowed to interact with these loved ones. Moreover, if someone needs help, they are more likely to approach an older woman than any other category of person. I get asked for directions or to take photos all the time. A person is more likely to trust another person who they believe has a caring heart and is not perceived to have a physical advantage over them. As women, we need to assert that advantage by offering to help whenever possible. It is also true that good men instinctively want to help a woman in distress. Please forgive a second skiing story, but it comes to mind readily. I typically talk to persons sharing a lift with me. I ask them to share something about themselves. These interactions have led to some interesting encounters, including one day while heading up a lift to an area serving almost entirely expert skiers. I asked the older fellow seated next to me how the conditions were on the easiest of the runs, as a way to begin a conversation with him. His response was to tell me I should head down the mountain with him, as he would make sure I descended the mountain safely. He followed me closely and when we stopped, complimented me on how well I had done. I was half expecting him to ask me to have an apres-ski drink with him, but he remained the gentleman to the end and simply wished me a good day. I did not need the man’s help by the way, but I thought he was sweet, and I honored his gallantry by letting him guide me down. I hope it made his day to be of service.

In the end, I have always thought that CD/TG folks owe a special duty to all humans. Our duty is to be good examples and show others the same respect we wish to receive in return. To me, that means we should fight sexism, whether we suffer from it or someone else suffers from it. If we can go out and blend into the world as women, we should show kindness and empathy to those we meet along life’s way. And, if we still enjoy the advantages of being males in most of our lives, we should acknowledge that we have advantages and use them for good and not for evil. Once we become attuned to the wrongs perpetrated against others, my belief is that not only will we be better men, but we will also be better women.