It Ain’t What You Do, It’s The Way That You Do It…

… and that’s what gets results.

As I’ve ‘blossomed’ (I use the word loosely) from closeted CDer to girl (OK, old woman) about town, I’ve had a hunch about something.  As I’ve reported here in prior posts, I’ve had some wonderful encounters with people when out and about but given that any time anyone does a survey on attidudes to transgender issues be it sports, use of female facilities or something else, there is almost always a sizeable majority whose opinions are against us.  And the thing is, those who hold the majority view and those who give us love and respect cannot possibly be mutually exclusive groups.  There must be overlap and I wouldn’t mind betting it’s a sizeable overlap.  But how can that be?

As I said, I had a hunch about what could be the reason for this but had never found anything to back up my theory.  Until now.  I was reading historic posts on Femulate and came across this one dating back to 2015 by a contributor called Amy:

Amy’s post begins:

I know women who work in retail or in restaurants. They see other trans gals from time to time. Consistently they tell me how pleasant their interaction is with those that look great and act like they look ― great. They also say how difficult and uncomfortable the interaction can be with a trans gal that isn’t comfortable, isn’t blending in, and projects it.

Bingo!  I was right!  There’s more to this CDing  thing than meets the eye.  A lot more in fact.

Ask a group of guys if they’ve ever CDd and the answer may well be yes from at least some of them.  Ask them why and the answer may well be ‘for a bet’, ‘for a laugh’, ‘for a fancy dress party/ Halloween’ or something like that.  And that is what we’re up against.  People who see CDing as a bit of a laugh.  Historically, the media hasn’t helped either with those who CD for more emotional reasons being described as ‘genderbending’ or similar monikers.  Things are a lot better now but, sadly, some still haven’t received the memo.

CDing is a very individual thing, both in terms of what drives it in a particular person – dysphoria, fetish, self-expression etc. – and how they bring the inner woman to life.  For some, that means dressing in a way that would make even sex workers blush, for others perhaps dressing as a young girl or infant, many CDers favour a workwear vibe and so on.  But whatever the driver for a particular individual, we should probably not be over judgemental as long as reasonable boundaries are observed.  Whatever we get up to in the privacy of our own particular domain is our business and our business alone.  Most of us would hate to be judged negatively by others and that has to work both ways.

But what happens when we take our CDing from the confines of the closet into the big wide world?  I could opine that the CDer in a boob tube, microskirt, stripper heels and excessive & poorly applied makeup is letting the side down but who am I to judge?  But what I will emphatically state is that they are potentially missing out big time.

I’ve been there myself.  Maybe not the boob tube and stripper heels but failing to look at the big picture when deciding what to wear to go out.  The first sign that all was not well were the shoes which, although they looked amazing and never gave even a hint of a problem when worn around the house, soon made their presence felt and not in a good way when walking any distance.  And then there was the outfit itself; I’d convinced myself that I could look like a professional woman grabbing essentials in a hurried break from work or a woman on her way to church but when everyone else for miles around is dressed casually, I very quickly felt exposed and any confidence I’d had when leaving the house quickly drained away.

It took a while to sort myself out but finally the penny dropped.  To enjoy being in the outside world, we have to dress for the outside world.  It doesn’t mean that we have to dress like every other woman in the vicinity – for a shopping trip that would mean jeans, anorak and sports shoes and where’s the fun in that – but we have to go for the same vibe as them. If it’s a shopping trip, we have to dress for a shopping trip.  My go-to shopping outfit is a beige sweater dress with a hemline just above the knee and knee high heeled boots.  For me, that gives a double boost – it’s casual, not formal so not out of place for daytime shopping and it feels feminine enough to satisfy my needs.

And that brings me back to the hunch.  There is never any doubt in the mind of anyone who interacts with me at close quarters that whilst I may be presenting female, the reality is somewhat different.  And yet nearly every time I go out, nice things seem to happen to me.  Sometimes a lovely comment (my finger nails seem particularly popular with those I meet at the moment), other times just a nice gesture or smile.  And it started to happen so often that I started to try to figure out why, when public opinion is moving so far away from trans rights, I’m on the receiving end of so much warmth.

And I’m not the only one.  Read any of Kandi’s posts, or indeed any other contributor’s posts, and the story always seems to be the same.  Compliments, smiles, hugs, friendships formed and overflowing positivity.

I titled and opened this post with the lyrics of a song and I think it just hits the nail on the head.  Whilst we always seem to have wonderful experiences when out and about in our finest, merely being a CDer won’t guarantee that.  It’s not just what we do – dressing as females – but the way that we do it that gets those results.

Because the thing is that when we’re out and about, we’re asking others to buy into our fantasy – and I happily call it a fantasy because, as CDing biological males, we will never be female no matter how passable we may be.  Merely deciding that we ‘identify’ as a woman guarantees absolutely nothing if others don’t accept us on that basis.  Demanding acceptance is going to win us more enemies than friends and all we can ever really do is to set out our stall, so to speak, and hope that others buy into it.  And Amy’s post underlines that that is what others expect from us too.

It’s strange because I formulated this post in my mind when driving to a local town for a bit of browsing.  I’d read Amy’s post the previous evening and the link to the song just flashed through my mind during the drive.  I was wearing the aforementioned go-to shopping outfit with my long coat as autumn had well and truly arrived.   My makeup wasn’t overdone – just the usual with a neutral eyeshadow shade and minimal eyeliner – and due in no small part to the state of my natural fingernails, I had applied my usual stick on ones – deep red and quite long.  I felt good as I got out of the car and made my way to the lift/elevator to take me down to the ground floor.  It was full but I didn’t care and I then made my way to my usual coffee shop where I ordered a cup of tea & pastry and then BOOM! 

– ‘I love your nail colour; it really suits you!’.

Yet another compliment from a random person, this time the girl behind the counter in the coffee shop!  I thanked her and we talked briefly during which it was quite obvious that she did not care one iota about who or what I was.

I can’t stress this enough – I absolutely do not pass and there is never any doubt with anyone I interact with about my provenance.  But whilst it really was up to others to make that call, not me, I think I looked reasonably well put together.  I’m a husband and father and if either Mrs A or my daughter had gone out dressed as I was, I think I’d have felt a sense of pride.  I’ve also learned the power of smiling.   Whenever I approach anyone to make a purchase or order something I give them the biggest possible smile to set the scene and I almost always get warmth in return.  

And whether or not my latest encounter really did like my nail colour or thought that it suited me is irrelevant.  What that comment said to me was that I’d done enough to be admitted into her world and was worthy of a comment only usually appropriate in a woman to woman interaction.  And in the end, that’s all I ever want.

-o-O-o-

I don’t hold myself out to be an expert in this and many other contributors here have forgotten more about the dark art of CDing than I have ever learned.  But as my feminine side has evolved and I’ve started to experience positivity when out and about, I’ve come to realise that some strategies are particularly powerful in both attracting positive responses from others and in feeling good about myself.  So in that context, here is my list of dos and don’ts:

Dos

1.  Wear comfortable shoes that fit properly.  

Your personality can’t sparkle if your feet are begging you for mercy with every step you take.  And if you’re a heel enthusiast, always have a pair of flats with you – they can be a life saver (voice of experience here!).

2. Wear appropriate outfits.  

You don’t have to ditch femininity but just go for a ‘vibe’ that’s consistent with the environment you’re planning on visiting.  Casual dresses with boots are great for shopping, denim jackets are great for making formal garments look a little more casual.  My rule of thumb is that if you feel you have to concoct a backstory to justify to yourself what you’re wearing, you’ve probably got it wrong.

3. Remember that less is more with makeup.

Too much makeup can detract from the look rather than enhancing, particularly if it’s applied badly.  Concentrate on getting the basics nailed down – foundation, brows, eyeliner & shadow, blusher and lipstick – and you’ll be fine in pretty well every situation.  The less you do, the less the chance of messing things up or, as I found in my early attempts, the less chance your makeup will look like it was applied by a five year old.

4. Choose an age-appropriate hairstyle

To be clear, I’m not for one moment suggesting that we should all dress like frumpy old dears!  But the fact of the matter is that some styles are best left to teenagers.  It doesn’t mean going for grey as many women of all ages dye their hair.  Shoulder length styles can look fantastic and work on pretty well all ages.

5. Remember the small details.  

I’ve already mentioned nails which, for us are normally fake and held on with sticky pads.  To make sure they stay put, clean your natural nails with alcohol and let it dry before applying the pads.  Jewellery too makes a great difference.  Even if you don’t have pierced ears, many earrings can be converted to clip on using clips readily available from places like Amazon and eBay.

6. Keep looking in mirrors.  

Apart from their obvious uses for makeup application and a final check before leaving home, every time you see one in a shop, check yourself out in it – it’s a great confidence booster.

7. Pack your handbag/ purse with essentials – house keys, car keys and at least one payment card are no brainers, but other items contribute to the whole experience. 

A hand mirror and lipstick will keep you looking good, particularly after a refreshment stop when half of your lippy will have been deposited on the cup.  A hairbrush is good for putting errant hairs in their place, particularly on breezy days.  And I also like to include spare nails and pads, just in case one or more part company with my fingers.

8. Learn to act like a lady.  

Learn the mannerisms and behaviours of ladies – small steps, shoulders back, arms in, legs together when sitting down and that sort of thing.  Our anatomy doesn’t always make it easy but, with a little effort, we can compensate.

9. Practise your feminine voice.  

You don’t have to talk in a falsetto voice but just raising your pitch by a few semitones and soften your speech can make a huge difference.  I know that it doesn’t change a male voice into a female one (that takes loads of practice) and opinions are divided on whether it’s either necessary or desirable but, to me, it’s part of my female ‘character’ and also gives a signal to others that I’m serious about what I’m doing.  

10. Smile.  A lot!  

For those you interact with, it exudes confidence and it’s also very effective in disarming passers by who look your way, perhaps suspecting that all is not as it seems.  And what better feeling than getting a smile back!

11. Remember that beauty comes from within.  

You don’t have to look like a goddess (and for most of us that’s a lost cause) to radiate beauty.  Be the person you want to be and let that radiate from every pore!

12. Own it!  

Keep telling yourself that what you’re doing is the most natural thing in the world until the day comes when you no longer have to because it just feels right.  You have as much right to dress as you wish as the next person and as much right to occupy the same spaces as them (within reason).

13. ENJOY IT!  

There is no better feeling than being out and about in the persona you’ve always wished you’d be born into.  It’s an intoxicating experience that just gets better each time you do it and your confidence builds.  Remember the words in Amy’s Femulate post above – Consistently [women who work in retail/ restaurants] tell me how pleasant their interaction is with those that look great and act like they look ― great.

Don’ts

1. Worry about not passing.

People don’t care unless you give them good reason to care and it certainly isn’t a prerequisite to having wonderful encounters.  Just aim to pass as a trans person 100% of the time and you’ll be fine.

2. Overdo the mannerisms.

There’s nothing that draws attention to us more than, for want of a better word, ‘camping’ it up.  The differences between male and female mannerisms are often slight and smile & the head tilted slightly to one side is often all it takes.

3. Try to run before you can walk.  

It’s taken me nearly three years to get to the point I’m at now.  Each time I’ve gone out, I’ve pushed the boundaries a little bit further to the point where I’m happy to be seen as I am and talk to people as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.  Trying to do what I do now on my first outing may well not have ended well and set me back as a result.

4. Push your luck.

Don’t assume that just because a sales assistant has smiled at you, she’ll be fine with you marching into the ladies’ changing room with an armful of dresses to try on.  Local laws and customs vary and if you want to try something on, the best strategy is just to go to the assistant and ask if it’s OK if you try it on and where the fitting rooms are.  She may say go ahead and point to the ladies’ fitting rooms and it’s OK to go ahead; if she directs you to the men’s rooms, don’t make a scene, put the things back and just take your custom elsewhere.  She doesn’t make the company rules, she just has to operate within them.

5. Let the knockbacks destroy your confidence. 

Whilst most people will love you, you may get scowls, smirks or even hurtful comments.  If that happens, remember the wartime mantra – ‘keep calm and carry on’.  It does feel demoralising when it happens, but it goes with the territory and is just one of those things we need to be ready for.

-o-O-o-

Postscript.

After I finished writing this, I went back and looked again at the Femulate post that inspired it.  What I hadn’t done up to that point was to read the comments that had been added by readers.  I expected to see several gratefully acknowledging the insight and yet there were only three, two lukewarm in their support at best and one almost completely disagreeing.  As I put in the post, that’s absolutely fine but I think that all three missed the key point.  Amy’s original post wasn’t about dictating what we can and can’t wear when we go out – that’s completely our choice – but trying to give an insight into what those we interact with think about us and that’s the important point here. Acceptance comes from others, not ourselves and her post gave a valuable insight into the factors that can help us get not only acceptance but also the most wonderful experiences during our outings and that is what I have tried to reinforce and convey here.