A friend, truly hurting in dealing with the effects of the pandemic and her need to be herself, reached out to me back then. Here are some edited excerpts of her initial message:
“I’m wondering how seriously you contemplate “full time”?
My reason for asking is my own situation. I’m a life long trans woman, with my earliest memories made up of wishing I was female. I hid my desires and feelings for most of my life, but at age 60 decided to “deal”.
I’ve been married almost 40 years, and she’s been great at showing support. But full time, hormone regiment, pretty much anything which exceeds this secret double-life would be considered a bridge too far. I’m fully understanding of that (she didn’t sign up for this), but still I feel drawn to continue feminizing; dressing occasionally relieves the pressure but only temporarily. By the time I’m done “defrocking”, I’m already wishing it had lasted longer, and as you so acutely pointed out, “the tear-down is a bummer”. So true..
You may not even consider yourself trans, or perhaps consider yourself a “crossdresser” rather than a “transsexual” (we really have to work on a consensus of vocabulary!!). But I think I see in you the same woman I can see in my own heart. She smiles constantly and while en femme she feels whole, adores not flamboyance but honest female clothes because that’s what’s tasteful and feel “right”, and shows decorum and “class” (a misused word if ever there was one).
You said in your previous note that if alone, you would consider full time. So I guess my question, asked mostly as one trying to solve her own problems, is, “how do you manage?” How do you fend off all these emotions which seem at times so overwhelming? Is it loyalty and devotion to your marriage which keeps you from continuing?
I’m a wreck about this, and while COVID blues are probably partially to blame, I’ve seen this coming a long way off. I doubt I’d ever be able to look as convincing as you do (petite as you are), but it becomes less and less important. I manage to walk anywhere without setting off the fire alarms and that’s sufficient for me. I’m just can’t stop wishing I could “keep going”….”
Two items of note. After receiving this, I did fill her in on my backstory, which I have recently done here. And my dear, I am by no means petite! I just have an athletic build, which disappears when I simply take one day off. Trust me on that!
How much have I considered “full time”? The truth is not for one single moment. I say that because I adore being my wife’s husband, I love being “Dad”, I don’t wish to lose the lifelong friends I have and I have never been unhappy being male. Never, ever. That said, I find being female full of great joy. I simply love it. But not enough to bury the other side of my life and not enough to betray the great support my wife has given me. Now that you and everyone knows my full backstory, how could I ever do anything to disrupt the wonderful 38 year (and running) marriage that we have?
That said, if I lived in a world of complete selfishness, then yeah, I would give it serious consideration. While that may actually be the world we live in, it is not in me to be completely selfish, which has actually been to my detriment in life.
If I were forced to select a label, it would be “bi-gendered”. I have no gender dysphoria, but every idle thought I have is about getting dressed. I no longer even like the term “crossdresser” (although I use it here so that my blog comes up in appropriate Google searches). I simply “dress”. Not a single day has ever existed since October 2014 where I have not had frequent thoughts about my Kandi time, dressing.
You asked how I manage. My love for my wife makes it pretty simple. Transitioning, going full time, giving everything I have up, isn’t even a consideration. I would lose my job and with my personal baggage, would be unable to generate any income. Being a lonely homeless woman isn’t appealing to me.
Those that transition are incredibly brave souls. The ability to dress frequently allows me to scratch that itch often, so it never gets bad for me. And if I cannot dress, something has taken my focus, thereby directing me away from even thinking about dressing. When my mind is otherwise occupied (which is no longer that often), I don’t think about this.
Life certainly isn’t easy. And those of us with these gender issues come at this from a million different angles, a million different sets of life circumstances. There are no easy answers, but I do know, you have to seek happiness. If not, you simply cannot make others happy and/or give love.
16 Responses
Thank you Kandi. I love your personal insight.
Continue being your joyful self, no matter how you are dressed.
Love,
Jocelyn
Much appreciated, my dear!!
Ah the full time question, I’m sure many who read this have once at least thought of only.
From my own perspective I was actually going to medically transition almost 4 years ago now but I put a stop to that before I got very far.
Even though I was divorced and I had nobody to stop me it just was never going to be practical.
If I were younger and didn’t have a family who was not supportive by the way then yes it was something I likely would have done.
We all have things we wish we could change but for me my road has been bumpy since I came out as trans and now I’m kinda a mess but I’m fairly happy and now I’m just more gender fluid and I don’t have that itch to be full time as I use to
We are truly always evolving, ever changing. Thanks for your always valuable insight!!
Rachel,
I recall your story from another an online forum , at that time we felt deeply each other’s pain we supported each other when support lacked from others on that forum . Please never doubt your decision because it was right for you , I only discovered my own thoughts on transition when I met others who had made that journey , I’m afraid there isn’t a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow , they solved old problems only to find they had new ones to face .
Kandi,
I’m not sure if it should be considered a ” selfish ” act to go full time , I found in taking that step I became a better person , I could contibute fully with the RW which I failed to do as a man .
Talking of losses and gains , we never know the full story until we take that final step , all we can hope for is our worse fears don’t come true , thankfully in my case I gained far more than I lost . It basically comes down to faith and commitment , if you believe in yourself others will come on board , I’ve had so many revelations about the situation , the one that surprised me was people who knew me before said the preferred me as Teresa .
There are so many aspects of transition , not just hormones and /or surgery , being full time means you change as a person and you change the way the world sees you , perhaps that aspect is what scares people the most . All I can say to that is many of those fears are illfounded , people are far more supportive , they really do want you to succeed .
Cheryl,
I guess most of us go through ” wishing to be a girl ” , over time that gives way to wanting to be a complete person . Living as a woman has made me that complete person , I have to accept there is still a male core which will never leave me but now it’s presented in a way that makes me happy and more accetable to society .
the only ones of us that are selfish are the very young T-girls who got married despite all of the info that was out there and despite having these feelings as a young kid. Us older girls have to consider the glass half full or half empty scenario. things have improved greatly recently so we should be thankful that we were not born 100- years ago
Amen, Emily!!
Thank you Kandi,
This strikes so close to home for me. I too have memories of “wishing I was a girl” when I was 6 or 7 and have for all these decades explored my femininity as fully as possible without crossing that line. Being married over 40 years myself I certainly understand the love of being husband, uncle and so on, yet that inner girl drives me on. Were it not for my wife I would probably take the step, go full time, and perhaps even transition. There would be nothing holding me back. I say probably because of my age and some medical issues that could be a wall on that road.
That being said I don’t see my future changing. I will continue living this double life and enjoying the life I have in it’s current form.
Life isn’t easy. No one ever said it would be. But makeup and a pretty dress sure helps.
Cheryl
Thank you so much Cheryl for the comment! It always helps me to hear from my readers and provide me with affirmation, I need that.
Hi Kandi, I have been processing the same thoughts, feelings and circumstances… and have drawn the same conclusions. All in all… I think we’ve “got it made in the shade!” teehee.
It is so nice to have some loving like-minded souls in the same boat with me. 🙂
Love and be loved… Beverly Phillips
PS- Anyone going to Keystone 2022?
Anyone live near Louisville, KY.? I’m pretty much in the closet and would love to find some gal pals to venture out with… shopping, eating… oh… did I mention shopping? haha…
PSS – Thank you Kandi for the difference you’re making on our planet. As we used to say long ago… “Keep on truckin’.” 😉 Bev
PSSS- This is my first time on your site. Very inspiring… Thank you
I’m done… I promise… I think…
Beverly, I certainly hope you are not done!! Your absolute kindness makes all the work put in here very much worthwhile!!
Beverly, this is THE place for loving and like-minded souls!!
I can’t speak for the other girls, but if I go to Keystone next year, I will certainly let everyone know.
Maybe we have a Kandi’s Land luncheon?
Kandi,
“Seriously contemplating full-time” — A HUGE topic. My quick answer: never seriously, because the price is too dear. But the long answer will take some time to reflect and write on, especially since I live about 50-50 already.
Thank you and Happy New Year.
Lisa
Kandi, first of all, I think you’re bang on in your assessment of the situation regarding selfishness. We can form a construct that says that us being at peace with ourselves makes life better for those who have to interact with us but, in the end, how we manage this is solely inwardly focussed and something, as you quite rightly point out, that our wives didn’t sign up to.
In the more general context that your correspondent describes, I think we just have to think in terms of being ‘me’, something I’ve been doing full time for the past 63 years! I’d far rather that, at the moment of my conception, things had been different but the fact of the matter is that they weren’t. But what did happen at the moment of my conception has given me much to be thankful for in life and will almost certainly continue to do so until the day I die. For too long, I considered this little ‘quirk’ in my personality a burden and fought to rid myself of it; these days I love the idea that I’ve discovered my whole self and just because I happen not to be wearing a dress, heels, wig and makeup, it doesn’t mean that I stop being me.
What I have come to realise as I pushed the envelope ever further is that I’m getting to the stage where the cost of going further far outweighs the benefit. And whilst some could say that I’m denying reality etc. etc., in the end that’s a real positive because it’s acknowledgement that, with the hand I’ve been dealt, life really couldn’t get any better. Each of us has to find our own point of equilibrium but looking at the whole picture, not just one facet.
Amanda,
The problem with being inwardly focused is it can be self-destructive ( almost terminal in my case ) . If it’s still considered by some to be a selfish act the outcome for me was I became a more selfless person , I’m in a postion now to give more back .
Please also be aware when saying our wives didn’t sign up for it , my answer to my wife when she quoted something similar was , ” neither did I !” I may set the cat among the pigeons here but sometimes we place wives on pedestals , as transgender people we do carry guilt at times but it’s wrong to always place us as the wrongdoers . I discovered things about my wife which she chose not to disclose when we married , it’s questionable if I would have married her at all if I’d known . We still managed to make it work for 45 years , on the good side we had two lovely children and now grandchildren , we ran a succesful business , we were a good team that sadly ran it’s course . I have no guilt now and I certainly don’t feel I was selfish , I’m still there for them they all know that , the only BUT now is I’m Teresa .