It is time I updated everyone on my journey. But before you read this post, I ask you to please read my first Jocelyn’s Journey post that was originally seen on Kandi’s Land back in October 2022. And that was a recycled post from the first internet version of Kandi’s Land. Please click HERE to read it. Thanks.
As in all of our lives, we grow and change as people. My life has been very good over the past 75 years, and hopefully it will be good for the next 5 to 10 years. I have been extremely blessed during the last seven years in my growth as a crossdresser and eventually a transgender person; somewhere on the male to female spectrum. I have gained some fabulous friends and I have learned a lot about myself. I have been very comfortable in my female presentation and I feel so normal being out and about showing the world who I am.
But, my outward appearance will be changing for the future.
All of my time spent in the real world, presenting as a woman, has been documented here in Kandi’s Land posts. I have over 40 posts on that fabulous site. But I will summarise some of my activities.
I have been shopping for groceries, banking, in the post office, enjoying walking downtown streets, strolling in parks and conversing with travel agents. I have been to a beach on a big lake and a beach on the ocean. I have been to museums and a Hall of Fame. I have attended a church service and been graciously accepted and engaged in delightful conversation. I have had many meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I even volunteered at a fundraising gala dinner/dance, “guarding” the silent auction table.
On four separate times I have spent four straight 24-hour days as the woman I am. It was so natural for me to dress appropriately for the activity of the day. Of course, all washroom breaks were in the Ladies washroom.
I did have a YouTube channel for a few years (now completely removed) showing videos of my feminine outings. They were fun to make, and I received many comments on how pretty I looked. Through that I received offers to go on dates and even two marriage proposals. Yea, it takes all kinds. I reluctantly turned all the offers down!
One of my memorable times was spending an evening with Lee in Florida. We had a great dinner at a local restaurant, but the highlight for me was when Lee invited back to her house (this was our first meeting) for wine and a chat. We sat around her kitchen table for a couple of hours chatting about all sorts of CD/TG and general women’s issues. Thank you so much Lee.
I have had meals with Sherry Greer and our conversations centred around activities we have in common. Unsurprisingly, ladies can share practically everything together; it feels so good to open up frankly to a kindred spirit.
AND, I have been with Kandi eight separate times. The moment we first met and hugged in Cleveland; it started a very special relationship. We “hit it off” immediately. Kandi is a remarkable woman; funny, educated, daring, beautiful, giving, sacrificial, caring, hardworking, supportive, talented, and even more beautiful. We have shared some intimate moments which I will forever cherish. Thank you, dear wonderful, fabulous friend; I love you.
Unfortunately, this has been at the expense of lies. Untold number of lies to my spouse. If she knew about the lies, she would be abhorred. If she knew I was trans, she would be abhorred. I will not continue the lying. To stop all this, I decided to purge all my outward feminine apparel, makeup, shoes, accessories, etc. I cannot go back! I am committed to my wife.
I know, I know, inwardly I am the woman that has blossomed over the past seven years. That will not change or disappear, it cannot. Outwardly I will look like an old man moving towards the end.
I will continue to check in on Kandi’s Land and maybe provide comments. I might even do a new post. I will continue to check a few Flickr accounts such as Kandi’s and Michelle’s.
I will continue to exchange emails with my very close CD/TG friends.
I have no regrets. I know who I am.
As my good friend Amanda says, TTFN.
I love all of you.
Jocelyn
PS – Kandi told me never say never!
PPS – the photo of me in the coral coloured top, skirt and red stockings was my very last time out.
19 Responses
Jocelyn, thank you for sharing this.
Your words will, I’m sure, resonate with many. It’s too easy to get carried away with all of this. One day we look in the mirror and no longer see ‘him’ but, instead, the person whose life we’ve always wished we could have lived. And with that comes the realisation that whilst many aspects of womanhood are forever denied to us, we can at least dip a toe in the water and experience a small part of the life we crave. And it feels amazing. But, of course, it comes at a price for most of us and that’s the guilt about how in conflicts with the side of our life that those closest to us know.
It’s a bitter pill to swallow but I think that most of us have to accept that the day of reckoning will come and I think you are to be greatly admired for the way you have approached yours. We each have our own set of priorities and I have already come to realise that the time will soon come when I have to make the same hard decisions that you have made.
As you know, I owe you a great deal. When I joined the KL cohort, most of the activities of the other contributors seemed out of reach but your accounts of your adventures seemed tantalisingly doable and gave me the reassurance I needed to step into the outside world myself.
You’ve made a tough call but for all the right reasons and I hope thatn you are rewarded with a fulfilling and happy life in other areas.
Amanda,
Sorry, my response to you should have been here. See below.
Aging has its limitations.
Jocelyn
Amanda,
If I remember correctly, you have always commented on my Kandi’s Land posts. Your thoughts have ALWAYS been very supportive and complimentary. Thank you.
To think my actions have in some way encouraged you to spread your feminine wings, is extremely humbling to me. I am very glad Kandi has given the world this platform so we all can share out lives and set examples for others to follow,
I said I have no regrets, but now that I think of it, I regret that we never got to meet face-to-face. We would have had a fabulous time together, dear friend.
We all lead different lives. I am content with my decision. I will continue to enjoy the many memories and photos I have. I will also make new memories in the future.
I love you Amanda, let’s keep in touch, forever.
Jocelyn
I miss you my friend ❤️
Thanks Sherry. You graciously accepted me in your home town. Our conversations and dinners were delightful.
Too much snow last time.
Love,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn,
This is the second sad story I’ve encountered recently . A very good friend has had to accept through health problems and family ties to end her days as J**** . She would prefer to remain on hormones or at least keep her testosterone on a female level , so she had a ritual fire to say farewell to that side of her life . She still has her family and many interests but I shall miss her as J**** .
I will always remember you as the tall , well dressed lady who brightened our lives with wonderful stories , I do read with some envy that you met Kandi more than once , perhaps one day , maybe !
I admit I do live with the fear that one day I will no longer have the ability to live my life fully as Teresa , at my age everyday is a wonderful bonus , life really is good at the moment .
Teresa,
Thank you for the very kind words and compliments.
I choose not to see this as a sad story. I have had so many fantastic outings and I have met so many wonderful people.
I have come into my own during this period of my life. I will continue micro dosing and following all you ladies.
Aging has its downside, but I take great joy in my accomplishments.
Jocelyn
Sometimes, just coming to peace with knowing you are transgender, being authentic in your soul can be enough, or at least something if you can’t always be authentic outwardly. I know for me, if I had to chose I would chose my wife. Thankfully I don’t as she earnestly accepts me as Christina. But I know for many they are not that lucky. Coming to peace with your inner self can mean a lot though.
-Christina
Christina,
Thank you for your kind words of support and encouragement.
I would prefer to express my femininity outwardly, but I am OK with the whole situation. I am healthy and so is my spouse, for people in their mid seventies.
Continue to enjoy your time with your supportive wife.
Jocelyn
Joycelyn I hope and pray that you will be well in all of this
We all know how much a part of ourselves this is. I of course lost my marriage mostly because of my feminine self but not entirely
I feel someday if I do find another special someone they will understand but I fear in even telling
Know that yes we are here and pop in anytime
Rachael
Rachael,
Thank you for your thoughts, concern and support. You have been a wonderful supporter of Kandi’s Land for a very long time. Your comments are always helpful.
I’m sure I will be good for the duration.
I’ll keep watch for your KL comments.
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, we have only been friends online and have never met in person. I think the world of you, and value your friendship so very much. You were one of the first girls I meet here in this wonderful community of girls, when I was going through a difficult time with my wife. Just chatting with you through emails was helpful in accepting my feminine side. Have some one to talk to in times of stress make all the difference in the world. Thank you for your support and love. Just know I will always be here for you. I will always think of you as a beautiful woman you are and always be. I understand the difficult choice you have to make. To have to give up a part of yourself that is so important to you is devastating.
Love ya
Julie
Julie,
You are a breath of fresh air. I have always enjoyed our on-line exchanges. Despite all that you have been, and are, going through you seem to keep a happy, positive attitude.
I am overwhelmed by how much you feel I have supported you. I was just trying to lend an ear to someone like myself. You and I strongly believe that sharing and caring are critical to our community’s well being.
I will be keeping in touch with you. You are a wonderful soulmate.
Thank you for your kind comments. I really appreciate them. I know I will never be the “beautiful” looking woman of past outings, but the inner me will always be ladylike.
Talk soon.
Love,
Jocelyn
Good evening my dear friend. Well your post was as good as I thought it would be, actually better. Any post that makes me sad,
makes me cry and actually made me happy is a wonderful thing to read.
The happy part is your decision to purge and be a husband full time. But the best part is you have come to grips with how you want your life to be going forward. You are obviously a very strong woman and I envy you. I don’t think I could do it
I’m sad because I’m going to miss you girl. I’ll miss your wonderful open hearted post. Your occasional unexpected emails, all your responses. I’m sad because it’s like a part of what makes me me won’t be around all the time anymore. You have been a big part of how Trish acts and presents. Thank you for being a mentor. I love you girl and with that sending you my very best wishes and thoughts to you. You are a friend that I’m sure a lot of people would wish for and we have you. Take care my dear friend.
Trish ❤️🥰💋💕
Wonderful Trish,
Thank you for the compliment and support of this post.
I always enjoy corresponding with you. I really appreciate your enthusiasm and upbeat view of the world and especially our CD/TG community.
I am humbled that I have played even a small part in your feminine presentation. I have often told you how great you look and that you have the best looking legs: WOWZA!
Thank you for your best wishes. I still plan on being around; just not wearing a skirt, heels and makeup. We’ll keep in touch.
Love you,
Jocelyn
Folks of Jocelyn’s age (and mine) are caught in an unusual set of circumstances.Sure we had that girl knocking on the door all the time but for most of us growing up there was no realistic outlet.And Kudos to all of those born b/4 us who found some way to have girl time-very difficult.So most of us got married and just kept this aspect of our lives to ourself.Then over the last several decades the ball game changed and there were all kinds of opportunities for girl time that opened up.
Bottom line is we made our vows to someone we love and we have no right to change the rules now so sadly Jocelyn I feel you are doing the right thing.
But for any young person now entering marriage while keeping this on the down low is just dishonest-no excuse
Emily,
I am honoured to have you commenting on this post.
You have succinctly said how ladies our age have come to be how we are. Thank you so much for explaining it all. Was I a coward for not opening up to my spouse seven years ago? Have I now insured our marriage will remain? There is no right answer.
Emily, your second to last paragraph is so powerful and honest. Thank you for understanding.
Jocelyn
Jocelyn,
I’m sad and happy for you at the same time. That is a very hard choice to make. You are very lucky to have your health and your wife’s health. Stop by and say hi.
I’m also in my 70’s and going to retire in 15 months and I have been thinking about what I will do. Longevity runs in my family, so I could be looking at another 35+ years. I’m also divorced for reasons not associate with this side of me. I rarely go out completely en femme (wig, full makeup, and breast), neverthess, I have been able to incorporated many feminine things into my daily life. 95% of what I wear is women’s; I HAVE TO wear high heels for pain reduction; my body is waxed; and my nails have been painted 24/365 for over a decade.
Like Rachael, I too hope to meet someone special that will understand all of me.
Cali,
Us older ladies who are reasonably healthy are very fortunate.
Thank you for sharing. Your comments and support mean a lot to me. Each of us make choices that seem best for us and our loved ones. I’m sure this will all work out.
Maybe I will make it out to the west coast some year and we can have a drink on the beach.
Jocelyn