It is time I updated everyone on my journey. But before you read this post, I ask you to please read my first Jocelyn’s Journey post that was originally seen on Kandi’s Land back in October 2022. And that was a recycled post from the first internet version of Kandi’s Land. Please click HERE to read it. Thanks.
As in all of our lives, we grow and change as people. My life has been very good over the past 75 years, and hopefully it will be good for the next 5 to 10 years. I have been extremely blessed during the last seven years in my growth as a crossdresser and eventually a transgender person; somewhere on the male to female spectrum. I have gained some fabulous friends and I have learned a lot about myself. I have been very comfortable in my female presentation and I feel so normal being out and about showing the world who I am.
But, my outward appearance will be changing for the future.
All of my time spent in the real world, presenting as a woman, has been documented here in Kandi’s Land posts. I have over 40 posts on that fabulous site. But I will summarise some of my activities.
I have been shopping for groceries, banking, in the post office, enjoying walking downtown streets, strolling in parks and conversing with travel agents. I have been to a beach on a big lake and a beach on the ocean. I have been to museums and a Hall of Fame. I have attended a church service and been graciously accepted and engaged in delightful conversation. I have had many meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I even volunteered at a fundraising gala dinner/dance, “guarding” the silent auction table.
On four separate times I have spent four straight 24-hour days as the woman I am. It was so natural for me to dress appropriately for the activity of the day. Of course, all washroom breaks were in the Ladies washroom.
I did have a YouTube channel for a few years (now completely removed) showing videos of my feminine outings. They were fun to make, and I received many comments on how pretty I looked. Through that I received offers to go on dates and even two marriage proposals. Yea, it takes all kinds. I reluctantly turned all the offers down!
One of my memorable times was spending an evening with Lee in Florida. We had a great dinner at a local restaurant, but the highlight for me was when Lee invited back to her house (this was our first meeting) for wine and a chat. We sat around her kitchen table for a couple of hours chatting about all sorts of CD/TG and general women’s issues. Thank you so much Lee.
I have had meals with Sherry Greer and our conversations centred around activities we have in common. Unsurprisingly, ladies can share practically everything together; it feels so good to open up frankly to a kindred spirit.
AND, I have been with Kandi eight separate times. The moment we first met and hugged in Cleveland; it started a very special relationship. We “hit it off” immediately. Kandi is a remarkable woman; funny, educated, daring, beautiful, giving, sacrificial, caring, hardworking, supportive, talented, and even more beautiful. We have shared some intimate moments which I will forever cherish. Thank you, dear wonderful, fabulous friend; I love you.
Unfortunately, this has been at the expense of lies. Untold number of lies to my spouse. If she knew about the lies, she would be abhorred. If she knew I was trans, she would be abhorred. I will not continue the lying. To stop all this, I decided to purge all my outward feminine apparel, makeup, shoes, accessories, etc. I cannot go back! I am committed to my wife.
I know, I know, inwardly I am the woman that has blossomed over the past seven years. That will not change or disappear, it cannot. Outwardly I will look like an old man moving towards the end.
I will continue to check in on Kandi’s Land and maybe provide comments. I might even do a new post. I will continue to check a few Flickr accounts such as Kandi’s and Michelle’s.
I will continue to exchange emails with my very close CD/TG friends.
I have no regrets. I know who I am.
As my good friend Amanda says, TTFN.
I love all of you.
Jocelyn
PS – Kandi told me never say never!
PPS – the photo of me in the coral coloured top, skirt and red stockings was my very last time out.
2 Responses
Jocelyn, thank you for sharing this.
Your words will, I’m sure, resonate with many. It’s too easy to get carried away with all of this. One day we look in the mirror and no longer see ‘him’ but, instead, the person whose life we’ve always wished we could have lived. And with that comes the realisation that whilst many aspects of womanhood are forever denied to us, we can at least dip a toe in the water and experience a small part of the life we crave. And it feels amazing. But, of course, it comes at a price for most of us and that’s the guilt about how in conflicts with the side of our life that those closest to us know.
It’s a bitter pill to swallow but I think that most of us have to accept that the day of reckoning will come and I think you are to be greatly admired for the way you have approached yours. We each have our own set of priorities and I have already come to realise that the time will soon come when I have to make the same hard decisions that you have made.
As you know, I owe you a great deal. When I joined the KL cohort, most of the activities of the other contributors seemed out of reach but your accounts of your adventures seemed tantalisingly doable and gave me the reassurance I needed to step into the outside world myself.
You’ve made a tough call but for all the right reasons and I hope thatn you are rewarded with a fulfilling and happy life in other areas.
Amanda,
If I remember correctly, you have always commented on my Kandi’s Land posts. Your thoughts have ALWAYS been very supportive and complimentary. Thank you.
To think my actions have in some way encouraged you to spread your feminine wings, is extremely humbling to me. I am very glad Kandi has given the world this platform so we all can share out lives and set examples for others to follow,
I said I have no regrets, but now that I think of it, I regret that we never got to meet face-to-face. We would have had a fabulous time together, dear friend.
We all lead different lives. I am content with my decision. I will continue to enjoy the many memories and photos I have. I will also make new memories in the future.
I love you Amanda, let’s keep in touch, forever.
Jocelyn