Never admitted that to myself, but have always been one. Hated myself for it.
It has always been a compulsion, an urge, never something I ever enjoyed.
What is wrong with me? It turns out, nothing!
Okay, now what do I do? Having purged a small bedroom full of women’s clothes over the course of my 50+ years, let’s start fresh. Let’s see if I can enjoy this. Purchase a few things. Okay, I like that. Add a few more. Keep them for more than an hour, a day, a week. So far, so good. How do I feel? Different, better, happy. I need to make some life changes. If I am going down this road, I need to look half decent. I begin down the road that would result in my dropping 35 pounds and eventually becoming a very competitive runner, routinely winning my age groups comfortably in 5Ks, now winning my age group in half marathons and running a few full marathons. This includes having qualified for and competed in the Boston Marathon! Me, a unicorn!! Happiness matters.
So now I am slimmer, in good shape, happy with myself. But the big hurdle remains. I am very happily married with two grown and successful daughters. It took well over a month to gather the courage to tell my wife. December 2, 2014 is the day I finally gather the courage. If she is not on board, this all stops, no questions asked. And I would completely understand her not being happy with it. I find the words, show her my painted toenails, tell her how it all makes me happy. In a moment I will never forget, she says she just wants me to be happy. You know that feeling when you fall in love with someone? I did that all over again, almost 30 years into our marriage. I was immediately transformed. My life is still filled with ups and downs, but my “default” mood is always one of happiness. My smile, previously buried under a crappy mustache and displayed only when made happy (instead of being happy) by family and friends, became ever present. Now what do I do? What have I done!!!!
The work begins. Removing more body hair than your average polar bear. Developing those routines that women do, not men. Moisturizing. Frequent shaving. Now do I really want to do this? I begin purchasing items to be included in my wardrobe. I have no fear of buying women’s clothing as a man. None. A bra fitting? Why not. A new dress? Of course. I schedule a makeover at Janet’s Closet in Detroit. I need to see what I would look like. Not bad. To paraphrase Rudolph (the Red Nosed Reindeer)….I’m cute!!!!! Or at least not hideous. I let the girls there talk me into wearing clothing I would never dream of wearing now and I make a walk through the mall. I survive (although read by some teenage girls). I go out with some seasoned “girls” (I despise the term “gurls”). I survive! Now the real work begins. How do I build a real life for Kandi. She is not simply going to hang out at CD bars and shop, shop, shop (although she does a lot of that).
My hope is that this blog can show you how to make your life a happy one if you are a crossdresser. I completely understand I am very different than a transgendered woman, one who is transitioning or is now living her truth. Apples and oranges.
My world view is one of extreme optimism, but also grounded in reality and well over sixty years roaming this planet. The world is so much better than the media would make you believe. No question, we live in troubled times. But I have now been out over a thousand times. I have significant personal, real world experience. Through this blog, other platforms I am on, meeting other ladies in group gatherings, going out principally in mainstream situations in front of as many people as possible, I have learned quite a bit. I am a sponge, I take in all I see in how we are perceived, how women present themselves, how I can be a better woman. When the Hallmark movies are on, I am looking at the way necklaces are layered, how a blouse is or isn’t tucked in. Who does that?
I am frequently complemented, have received more hugs from total strangers than one can count, had drinks and meals purchased for me and have been an active member of a church and many charitable organizations. Tens of thousands (probably now approaching a hundreds of thousands) of people have seen me dressed. I also understand that I have the blessing of my wife, a HUGE benefit to my being able to achieve that happiness.
I have recently made the written admission (known to me for quite some time now) that in my head, in my heart, I am a woman, not a t-girl or tranny. I do now consider myself transgender but will never transition for many reasons. I believe I am living my best life right now given the circumstances that life has laid upon me. It would have been disingenuous of me to say anything else given the frequency of my dressing, the frequency of my outings, the great care I take in every (noticeable) detail of my presentation. I mean, for goodness sake, take a look at that smile in the photo above. Now what does that mean? Nothing except my being honest with myself. The pecking order remains: husband, father, son, friend, athlete and then Kandi. These all take priority, as they always have, always will. And I am comfortable with that. Life is an evolution and I am evolving.
Love yourself, because without that, nothing else is possible. Love others. That’s the only way we move forward as a people, as a humane society. Accept the love of others. This was the hardest for me and what now fills me with joy and pride. What makes every day, even bad days, so worthwhile.
Represent. Hold your head high and click those heels! I know we all have life issues and there is nothing I can do about those. We all have relationships that impact this one way or the other. But if you can go out, but do not, you simply don’t know what you are missing. Be smart. Be appropriate. Be confident. Be visible! It is, after all, your life!
I will not buy into the ever present media narrative. From Adam and Eve until, I am sure, the end of time, there will always be evil, there will always be hate. If we succumb to that, guess what? They win! They should NEVER win. Love wins, love turns the world. Help out a sister. Give her a complement. Offer to talk. Take her out that first time. I’ve done all of that because all of that has been done for me.
There is no secret here, I pass about as well as a three dollar bill. But guess what? I am accepted, I am actually one that others want to be with, want to be around, love. Yep, lil’ old me! You will never read anything political here. Are there problems out there? You bet, but the problems are not with one side or the other, one politician or the other. If one choice is a bad one, it doesn’t mean the other is a good one. The problem is with all of them, so see the first paragraph above for the only real solution. This is all about being positive, I will not dwell in negativity.